downer

I know the only person who reads this already knows, but for anyone who stumbles in here by accident: My mom died suddenly last week from an anuerism that exploded deep in her brain and immediately destroyed her entire upper brain.

I know that she's in a better place, and I'm actually doing pretty well, but this has had a surprising side effect on me. Well, maybe not so surprising when I think about it. I'm lonely.

You see, it's like this: when my last boyfriend dumped me, part of the reason was that I had gained some weight and he thought I was going to end up like my mom, who weighed over 350 lbs, was wheelchair bound, had type 2 diabetes, arthritis, severe kidney disease, etc. This has been a fear that every guy I've ever dated has expressed. When my brother died, I did put on some weight, and when I got dumped, I basically decided that there was no reason to even try because I obviously have such a horrible personality that I'm only desirable if I have an hourglass figure. I essentially decided that I have a fabulous family and school to worry about, so I would forget about dating and marraige and just be here. I then proceeded to put on a lot more weight. (Not as much as mom, though.)

Now that Mom's dead, I guess it's made me realize that my family won't be here forever. Dad will die, Ethan will grow up and move away, and who knows what Josh will do. OK, he might be here forever. :) I mean, I knew all this intellectually, but they were concerns for the distant future, not something to worry about. Suddenly, I feel like getting myself in order and finding someone. Not that I've had any success in the past, but still. Maybe if I start dieting and working out, I can be attractive again by the time I graduate. It actually makes me pretty angry that I apparently have to work like a dog to get something that almost everyone in the U.S. gets like 15 years+ before me, and that I just have to acknowledge the fact that no man will ever love me unless I'm hot. *sigh*

In other news, I got on facebook against all expectation. I just got friended by a guy who I totally thought was gay. Apparently he has a girlfriend! Weird. Maybe she's a beard.