My first week in school

Righto. Now that my first week back in school is over, at least school wise it's over, I thought it time to update. Monday I had Texas Government. I thought it was going to be boring, but Professor Wyman (I think that's his name) said he hates classes that are boring. 30% of our grade is based on participation so we spend a lot of time debating. We spent approximately 20-30 minutes in legislative session debating what time and how long our break would be. It was eventually decided that it would be 20 minutes at 7:30. I think that's a little early, but oh well. We have to take a newspaper article about a current Texas political event every week, and we will debate about one of those things every week. Also, every week, we will be watching part of a 4 hour long PBS show about "the greatest politician ever to come out of Texas," LBJ. The quote is from the teacher. I thought that's pretty cool. So I think this class will go well.
So tonight I had grammar and Composition, which I must confess I was pretty worried about. I got to class 30 minutes early, because Monday I was 15 minutes late, so I left 20 minutes earlier this time. Figure that math out if you dare. So I was sitting there alone with my teacher, Professor Smith, and I told her that I was worried about doing grammar stuff. She said she doesn't worry to much about that, just the basics. Rock on! So when class started and she handed out the syllabus, it turns out we have to write 4 essays this semester. Only four! And no term paper! There's a final, but "if things get too crazy at the end of the semester, we might not take it." Can you believe it? Easiest English class ever! We do have to do 2-3 readings every week and write a journal entry about each, which looks like cake. Next week is my second week, and I have no classes. Government falls on Labor Day, and my English teacher will be out of town on Wednesday, so no classes! So far this semester is shaping up pretty well.
It seems like there aren't any hot widowers or divorcees in my classes, more's the pity. There is one cute guy that's in both my classes, but when I pointed out that we had the same classes, he said, "Oh, really?" Guess he was so dazzled by my beauty that he couldn't even hold the thought of me in his pitiful little brain. :) But, in other news, Jared finally IM'ed me. He also apologized TWICE. Me likee. I'm not saying we're dating again, but now that the lines of communication are open, who knows what could develop in the far distant future when he's finished puberty? I'm patient. Plus I don't really have many other options, so I can't really be anything other than patient. I talked to him until he started answering in one word sentences and then I told him I needed to go and got off the computer. I say leave 'em wanting more, right?
It would be really nice if my perpetual bad mood were over. My mom thinks it's because of my diet. I think she's trying to sabotage my diet. Damn her eyes. Alrighty. I can't think of nuthing else to say. Good day.

I'm detecting a pattern in my life

Today was an unusual kind of day. I got up and got dressed. I think I looked pretty good, too. I had breakfast and went to church. I worked in the library and went to class. People were especially friendly today. Lots of people chatted with me in an especially friendly and close way, although none of them commented on how I looked. Evelyn asked me to sit by a new convert in Relief Society, which I couldn't do because the lady was sitting smack in the middle of the room and I need to sneak out early to go back to the library, but it usually makes me feel good when people single me out for responsibility. I sat, instead, next to Angela Vincent, whom I get along really well with, and Jennifer Churchwell, whom I don't know very well, but we seem pretty simpatico. In my free time in the library, I wrote a letter to Ethan. The Meza's spoke in sacrament, and I really love their accent. I sat by Brad John and his wife, both of whom I really like. The third of my three visiting teachees told me today, with seeming sincerity and pleasure, that I am the best visiting teacher she's ever had. The other two told me this on Friday. All in all, this seems like a perfect day at church. But for the entire three hours I felt utterly and entirely alone and empty. I don't know why. All the ingredients are there for a good day. Nothing bad happened. From all appearances and the reactions of others I was interesting and friendly, but it was all a facade. I wonder why. Maybe I was just missing Ethan, as this was my first Sunday without him. Maybe I am just an automaton, devoid of real emotion except when I can trick myself into imagining it. Why am I so freaking high maintainence emotionally? Why can't I just be normal? It's kinda starting to piss me off. After church I went to Kiera and Patrick's for dinner, which was deliciouso, and we watched The Wedding Singer, which was good. I had fun there, so maybe I'm not a freak. There's no way to tell, really. I start school tomorrow, and I'm waiting to see how that goes. I think the alternator is out on my car and I have no way or time to get it fixed. WHY?!? OH WHY?!?

I'm an adult now

I think it's very interesting that nobody commented (except for Kiera, but I think that might have been a pity comment) on my last update. Could it be that everyone is tired of hearing about Ethan and/or Jared? Oh well. I ain't worried about it. I've realized now that I was transferring affections to Jared to try to protect myself from the pain of Ethan's immanent departure, and I don't actually like him nearly as much as I thought. So I sent him a letter apologizing and telling him I wasn't actually upset with him, but with Ethan leaving and now we'll see if he's sick of my craziness or if he can still be friends with me. But anyway, I am now registered for school! I am taking State Government and English Composition. I'm not really sure why I had to take a writing test to tell them that I can write so that I would be eligible to take a class that will teach me how to write, but it's required, so what are ya gonna do? My books cost fuckin 150 buckaroos, which blows, but no way around it, I suppose. I actually don't need that many more core classes. I still need: a speech class, 2 science classes (apparently my geology class doesn't count. Dammit.), 1 US history class, American Government, and one hour of PE. Then of course I would need to transfer back to UNT to see what I would need to do to finish up my art requirements. And if I decide to minor in business, I have absolutely no idea at all what that would entail. So at 2 classes a semester, that's a absolute minimum of 1 1/2 more years! Yay! And Ethan's coming back next year, so that'll be the end of that! Oh well. At least I'll be a little but closer. Maybe I'll be one of those people you see in the paper where it tells how hard their life was, but how they persevered, and at the age of 97 FINALLY graduated from college! It'll have a picture of me all dresses like Kiera suggested and wrinkly and old, and it'll have a caption that will be a quote from me, "I've always thought that an education was important, and I decided to get my degree, no matter how long it took!" It kinda makes you think. When I was a kid, everyone was always telling me what potential I had, and how I could be anything. I never dreamed I would end up a 31 year old single mother, living with my parents, college drop out with a past and no future to speak of. It's funny how life just goes past while we're wasting it. No wait, funny's not the right word, it's. . .oh yeah, it's sad. Oh well, no going back now.

Progress I think

Ethan has been gone since yesterday morning, and I realize some things now. I had been really upset about his impending departure. Way more upset than I realized. All summer long he's been acting like he wasn't going to miss anything here except video games. When we went to the airport, he suddenly changed his mind and said he wasn't going, and got pretty upset. Of course I told him it was too late to change his mind, and I was barely able to hold it together, but I realize now that I had been the most upset because it seemed like Ethan wasn't going to miss me at all. If your child doesn't miss you, you are a bad mother. But he does miss me, and so I am able to let him go in good conscience. I know that sounds contradictory, but it's like, if I'm a bad mother, I'm letting him go live with his father because I wasn't good enough. If I'm a good mother, I'm letting him go live with his father because it's the best thing for him right now. I guess Ethan avoids his emotions just like I do. When he got there, he called me and he was doing much better, although he said he missed me. So now I'm pretty good with things. Always before when he was gone I felt like I needed to frantically have as much fun as possible because time was short, but this time I feel more relaxed.
I also feel pretty relaxed about the Jared thing. He may IM, or he may not. I've let it go. I think that mom was right and I was desperately holding on to him so that I wouldn't be alone. Don't get me wrong, I like him, and I still would like to date him, but I'm thinking that I was just another notch on his belt, and if that's the case I don't need him. If it's not the case, maybe he'll come back to me eventually. I think part of me was just really flattered that such a hot guy wanted me. I mean, he's the best looking guy I've ever dated, and it feels good to think that I can get such a looker. Also, it was nice to feel sexy again, cause for along time all I've felt like is a fat mom. If we do go out again, I don't think it'll be anytime soon. Maybe in a few months or more. You know how some people thing everything is done on a great cosmic plan, and some people think it's all random? I'm in the middle. I think God has a plan for us, and directs us in certain things, but doesn't micromanage, and also everyone has free will. So I've wondered if Jared asking me out was part of the plan, just random, or one of those things that God didn't care whether it happened or not, so it was all up to Jared and if he wanted to ask me out. Is it that Jared is really right for me, but not yet, but we had to come together now to lay down the ground work for later? Is it that there's someone out there for me, and I needed to have my mind re-opened on the idea of dating so I would notice the guy when he comes along, so Jared was a primer or something? Is it just that Jared was bored and I was in his line of fire? Is it just that Jared was trying to get laid and God didn't want me to go out with him at all? Did it even matter to anyone but me in the cosmic scheme? I dunno. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things from my point of view. I'm just a little bit player. I guess I'll know what the point was after it all comes together. I just hope if I was being preped for someone else that he's hot. I've had my standards raised now, and there's no going back! :)
For now, I'm pretty content. I got a perfect score on my writing test. I'll get registered for college this week. I can go out anytime I want to. Life is pretty good. Now on to the things that I've been wanting lately. I think I'm going through an early midlife crises. In June, I suddenly got the desire to pierce the top part of my ear. I haven't done it, but the desire hasn't gone away. In July, out of the blue, I got a rampart burning urge to get a tattoo. I have NEVER wanted a tat, even at my wildest. And the desire doesn't go away. I really don't know what to make of it. This month, my new desire is for a motorcycle. I want a motorcycle so bad I can taste it. If I had money, I would have bought one already. I even looked in the denton record chronicle to see what they run for. The only problems are: I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, I wouldn't know how to learn, I don't know how to work on a motorcycle, I wouldn't even know how to pick one as I know so very little about them, and they are dangerous. I can at least say that I would use less gas with one and that's a bonus. I can just picture me this spring after I've lost all my weight in jeans, boots, and leathers getting off my bike and taking off my helmet. It would be so hot. Grr. Being poor sucks! So this definitely sounds like a midlife crises. I even dated a guy way too young for me! I need a comb-over or something as proof!

Bad weekend

I must say, this weekend has been one of the most emotional I have had in a long time. It goes down like this: Saturday I started withdrawing, as is my penchant when things get hard, and knowing that Ethan is leaving Monday morning, hard times are here indeed. Saturday afternoon, I talked to Jared on instant messenger, and it started out well enough, although he was upset because his car recently broke down. Soon, however, things turned to not so good, when he got upset with me and said that he thinks I have a fear of getting hurt and that as a result our relationship isn't progressing. I told him that while I did have a fear of getting hurt, I had finally let go of the initial things that bothered me and had decided to go with the flow. That's not exactly what I said, but you get the idea. He asked what kind of things were bothering me and I told him that I had really been stressing about the fact that he's so young and other things, and he said that it seems like there are just too many obstacles. I told him that if he would just stop worrying about not having sex and just enjoy this he might have the best relationship he's ever had. His response was, "uh-huh." Finally, after some other stuff that I don't remember he said that maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now because he was already stressed about other things and I agreed. I asked if we could get together later in the evening to talk about it, and he asked if he could get back to me. He never did.
Today (Sunday) I went to church as usual, and I talked to my friends Tina and Brad, who had advice for me on the situation. Brad said to relax, and Tina said that I should just go see him and lay it all out on the line, saying that I want a relationship and I'm not rejecting him by not having sex with him and so on and so forth. Then I went to talk to Brother Kazynski because I want to be released as single adult rep. We talked about that for a long time, and he suggested that maybe for now I could just attend the activities and I told him I hate the activities and going to them was torture for me. During the course of explaining this to him, I started crying. I apologized and told him I was stressed because the guy I'm dating is freaking out on me and my son is moving in the morning, which he didn't know about. We talked about both of these issues a little, and he said he would talk to the bishop about whether I could be released or not. Then I tried to clean up a little and I went to Relief Society. I walk in, trying to keep it together, cause when I start crying about something, it usually opens the flood gates. Then, it turns out the lesson was, "The nobility of Parenthood." Can you fucking believe it? Well that was that, and off I went to the bathroom for a good solid cry. Somebody went and told mom, and she came in and talked to me for a little while, and she told me that she thought that I was getting so attached to and upset about Jared because I was planning on using him as a substitute for my affections with Ethan leaving. That actually makes a lot of sense, damn her. So I cried for the rest of church, and then decided to follow mom's advice and get a blessing of comfort. For any non-Mormons out there, we believe that a person with authority can bless someone by the laying on of hands, like in the Bible. There are different kinds, like if your sick, you want a healing blessing. I wanted a blessing to comfort me, and these usually will give you some advice and tell you how things are coming along somewhat. I know that most of you might think this is crap, but I believe that these blessings are from God, and therefore, really good to listen to really well. So listen I did, and the message I got was: suffer. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. It was all, Christ knows what your going through and greater things will come from all this if you stick it out. Fabulous.
So I go home, and start getting everything ready for Ethan's departure. Of course, I don't get to spend much time with Ethan, cause he's rather spend his precious time playing Psychonauts. So I decide late in the evening to give David a call, and I decide to ask him for boy advice, cause he knows me pretty durn well, and he usually gives me pretty good advice in that area, believe it or not. So I told him all about my boy troubles, including some of the things Jared has said and done and the things I've said and done, and he did have something useful to say (among all the hot air that came with it. :) ) He said, "I don't have a problem with you dating a 21 year old. And I don't have a problem with you dating a non-member. And I don't know this guy at all, but some of the things you say that he has said are red flags to me, as a guy that used to be a lot like him. It sounds like he's a major player. It sounds like he's gotten tired of shooting at the can five feet away on the fence post because it's not fun anymore, and he decided to shoot at something that was more of a challenge." That made a lot of sense to me. He pointed out some specific things that Jared has said that I didn't even think about, being a girl and all. I told Joey about this, and he said that it may be true, but he doesn't think that it was conscious on Jared's part. That it's just automatic because that's the kind of life he leads. That makes a lot of sense, too. And I think it may be true. I really don't think Jared started with a malicious plan or anything (at least not anymore), but it seems like it has the same results. So now I think I'm content to see how it plays out. If he contacts me again, which I really don't know if he will or not, I think I will do as Tina said, and just lay it all out. Explain who I am, and what I'm about and see what his reaction is.
Of course, by this time it was nearing Ethan's bed time, and I started getting emotional again. Ethan started hugging me and hugging me, and saying he didn't want to go. I climbed in bed with him and we both just lay there and cried for a while. I told him that he was going to have fun stuff, and finally I had to leave because he needed to go to sleep and he wasn't doing it with me there. I've been crying sporadically every since. Life is hard. Tomorrow morning is going to be hell I think. *sigh* Jared is online right now and hasn't said anything to me. Interesting.

I forgot:

I forgot to put this in my last post, and I was going to go back and add it before anybody noticed, but it's too late! So here it is: I realized that something I always wanted has happened! When I was skinny, I always said that I kinda wished I was fat, so I would know that the guys chasing me liked me for me, and not just my body. Then I got fat and nobody wanted me. Now somebody does want me, even though I'm still fat! Huzzah! Last night I asked, "When I lose all my weight, will you like me more?" He replied, "I like you now, the way you are." Isn't that sweet! And it maybe the "right" answer, but I still like it. tee hee!

I'm confused! My life is. . .good?

Apparently, I am the only person I know who feels like keeping up with blogs, but I'm still going to do it! I'll troop on alone! Anyhoo. As my readers might remember, my last post was all about how damaged I am, and how I'm through dating. Well. . .it was a phase I think. I mean, I was really serious, but, I just can't go through with it. I went out with Jared last night, and, dammit, I'm just too attached. We had so much fun, and he took a little time to talk about some of my issues, and, Josh: you'll probably like him, because he says a lot of the same things you do, like there's no point in being alone, you gotta take a chance, blah blah blah. Stupid boys. He says we need to have serious talk so that we can get me over some of this stuff. The fool! He has no idea how long of a talk THAT would have to be! MUAH HA HA! I have no idea why a maniacal laugh was necessary at that point, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. And a friend of his dropped by and wanted to meet me, cause he's heard so much about me! I wanted to say, "what kind of things have you heard?" But I didn't. *sigh* I guess I'll have to take a lesson from American Gods, and just eat the strawberries. I bet Dave is the only person reading who gets that. Word, Dave, word.

blog-o-therapy

It was recently pointed out to me that I am only interested in guys that are unavailable. This got me thinking. Why is this? hmmm. Well, I've come up with some explanations, and I shall cover them now. By the end of this, you'll probably be thinking that I think way too much, but short of a lobotomy or heavy intoxication, I'm not stopping, so it's just too damn bad. To begin, we have to go way back to my childhood. I hate people who blame everything on their parents rather than taking responsibility for their lives, but, well. . .it's my parents' fault. My parents have been telling me all my life in various ways that I'm not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, whatever suits the occasion. It's usually been subtle and backhanded, but it's sometimes even been plainly stated enough for anyone to understand. A few months ago, my friend Mike reminded me that way back when we were 21, he recorded some of our phone calls for use in an art project. He recently found one of the tapes and started listening to it, and he wanted me to hear it, so he played it for me. On this tape, I heard myself saying that my mom had recently told me that I was lazy, mean, worthless, and a bitch, and that she wasn't surprised that I didn't have any friends because I didn't care about anybody but myself. That wasn't all I said, but that's all I can recall off the top of my head. After we listened to the tape, Mike said that the most horrible thing about it was how resigned and matter of fact I sounded while saying all that. I told him that of course I was matter of fact, my mom has been saying things like that to me my entire life. He was, appropriately, appalled. Also, from the third grade to the ninth grade, I was the emotional punching bag for the kids at school. They called me various nicknames, the foremost one being Magpie, cause Magpies are ugly dirty birds, according to them, and they told all the "you're so ugly jokes" about me. These things took place especially in those important prepubescent years, their taunts grew more sophisticated as we got older. So, my inner dialogue is, in essence, a combination of those kids and my mother. I have tried to change this. I have tried different things trying to be good enough, but I always fail because my standards will always be one step higher than what I am able to do. I tell myself I am good enough and smart enough and pretty enough, but deep down, I just don't believe it. So I avoid situations that will prove to me there is something wrong with me. Which brings me to dating. I cannot believe that I am lovable and desirable, except for sexually, cause that's the only thing my mother has never been able to criticize me for, and I am quite good at it if I say so myself. When I am attracted to a guy, it all comes down to whether he wants me back. When a guy that is unavailable rejects me, I can make it his fault; oh, he was already with her, if he had just met me first, oh, he's far too young, he's not READY yet, oh, he's emotionally unavailable, he can't love or anybody else. But when I like a guy who isn't unavailable, and it does happen occasionally, and he doesn't like me back, what can I say? Then it goes right back to the fact that I'm not good enough in some way. And, quite frankly, I can't handle that. For a while I was truly happy. I had settled down to the fact that I would be alone forever, and I was able to concentrate on me. It was the happiest time of my life. But then a boy asked me out, and I experienced the highs of courtship, to be followed weekly by the crushing lows of self doubt. And my self doubts are crushing indeed. I don't like feeling that way. Some people say, better to take the chance or dance the dance or whatever, but in my case I don't think that's true. I think I prefer the monotonous drone of contentedness to the roller coaster. So stick a fork in me. I'm done. Maybe I'll try for one more make out session, but that's the end of the line. I'm just not stable enough to be with someone. Period. I guess I just gotta be me.

drastic measures

Apparently, I haven't alerted some people to my new diet, so I am doing so now. I used to just TRY to eat sensibly. I ate 2 pieces of Milton bread, which is high in fiber and all the good stuff, toasted with some fakey butter crap for breakfast, a small snack midmorning, like a serving of juice or something, lunch, a snack in the afternoon, like celery, and dinner. I was on a long plateau, so I decided to switch it up a little. Now, in Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, as much as possible, I am eating a severely reduced intake diet. I still eat my toast in the morning, and the same snacks, but at lunch and dinner, I just drink liquids, like a slimfast, and I have another snack in the evening, so that I get a maximum calories of 1000 for the day. Of course, I'm also taking a multivitamin, so don't get worried about that! So far, I think it's working out pretty well. Monday I didn't have the slimfast, so I was just drinking milk and juice and broth, and I forgot to take my vitamins, so it was pretty rough, but Wednesday was good. And Friday I didn't do it cause I took my THEA that day. That's the test you have to pass to get into college, and I thought it wise to eat a solid breakfast before hand. And then when I went home and said I thought I did well, mom wanted to take me out to celebrate, and then when Dave wanted to buy everybody pizza for dinner, well. . .you can't turn down those kind of offers can you? Everybody who has used my scale knows that you can change your weight by shifting back and forth, so it's hard to say what my ACTUAL weight is, but used to, at my lightest weight shift I could only get it down to like, 219, but today it went down to 213! I know that's not actually my weight, but it's still progress!

Finally!

It seems the evil miasma is gone! Today around mid afternoon, for no apparent reason, I just started feeling better. When I drink, it screws up my brain and I get really depressed and sullen for days afterward. I wonder if all those sips I took are the culprit? So now I'm happy again. Hooray! I was even joking around with the other parents at tae kwon do during Ethan's class today. I had a nice chat with a lady from South Africa who says that things are "lovely," in the most lovely accent. I think it's so cool when she says that! I wish I could pull it off. And then tonight I had a LONG IM with Jared. Apparently he hasn't tired of me, cause he told me a secret about himself, and then started talking all about our relationship, and I seriously upset him by telling him my theory that he only asked me out cause he thinks I'll crack given the chance to have sex. He was saying all the right stuff, though. Either he's a better playa than I thought, or he really likes me. The only big problem is he wants the booty, and Margie don't play that. I got a big chance to show off my damaged side, and if that don't run him off. . . then the conversation turned to the whole, "where does it say in the bible that you shouldn't have premarital sex?" Of course I was able to find verses to that effect, and then he brought up the whole, "there was a ho that hung with Christ and she was forgiven," bit. Poor Jared. He doesn't realize I went over all this with myself a long time ago. I had to convince myself, so I know all this stuff! He said that he asked me out because we're an optimal match. I felt it wise not to point out the big problems at that point. Maybe he meant personality wise. And when he left, he said, "Goodnight, sweetie!" teehee. I'm really glad I got in a good mood BEFORE I talked to him, or I would suspect that my happiness hinges on men liking me. Well, my head hurts due to a severe limit on my intake of calories today, so I'm going to bed.

Things I wish I could do

I'm tired. Tired of everything. My mood continues, and I'm now walking through a haze of grey. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to lay around and read. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy either. The last time I felt this way was when I gave up caffeine. I decided to make a list of things that might make me feel alive again. Here goes.

-A new car: one that I can drive as fast as I want without fear of it falling apart.

-Losing weight: and losing it at a steady enough pace that I feel like I might eventually get somewhere in the general proximity of my target.

-A good lay: I was going to specify and say "in the rain" or "so wild it breaks the furniture and knocks the pictures off the walls," but, let's face it, if I'm getting it, I'll take what I can get.

-Something weird to happen at work: like I could go in tomorrow, and Rene might say, hey guys, lets go to the circus, and you'll get paid for it! That would rock.

-Going to a kick ass rock show: this is only a hypothetical rock show. I know that in reality, the whole experience would annoy me, but it's a nice thought in my head.

-Having a song written about me: you know, it would be so cool to hear my name on the radio. Especially if the song is really cool. Even a song that I could pretend was about me would be nice, but there's just not many songs about Margie out there.

-Going sailing: I've never been, but it looks exhilarating in the movies.

-Going surfing: I've wanted to learn every since Dr Greene went surfing on ER. And Lilo and Stitch cemented the desire.

-Going jet skiing: it's fun, but too expensive for me to rent.

-Going bungee jumping: I know it's old news, but I've never done it.

-Going parachuting: looks awesome. and expensive.

-Going on a trip: Whether to the coast for the weekend, to road side attractions for a week, or Europe for a month, I long to travel. I've always wanted to travel. Every since I was a kid. But I've never been able to, whether due to finances or circumstance. Cursed to be born beautiful, poor and female, there's none who suffer more. (That's from a Porno for Pyro's song. It seemed to fit the situation.)

-Being discovered: Whether it's for acting, modeling, be a rock star, or the lost heir to a throne, I've always had a childish desire that one day, someone would come along and realize that I am spectacular in some way previously unnoticed by everyone else, and it doesn't really matter how. This desire grows more foolish with every passing year, yet still it endures.

-Moving out: Everyday this desire grows. As I drive pass houses, I imaging how I would decorate the outside. When I am at the store, I walk past the dishes and furniture and think how I would decorate the inside of my house. I think how happy and shiny my life would be. How I would only have to clean up after me, except when Ethan comes home, or when I have guests. How I would make my little dinner, just for me, and not have to listen to mom bitch. How I would clean up the little tiny messes that I make every week, and not feel angry because it's not my fault and nobody else cares. How I wouldn't have to talk to anybody if I didn't want to. It may be my little fairy tale, but in my imagination, it would be wonderful.

That's all I can think of for now, but I may think of more later. Now I'm going to practice my tae kwon do moves. It's one of the few things I still care about.

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight. . .

Lately I've been feeling like a bad Mormon. And, no, I am not referring to the fact that I sipped every alcoholic drink that passed in front of me on Friday night, I feel not even the slightest bit of guilt over that. I really enjoy the service part, believe it or not. I like visiting teaching, and I like doing my calling. It's just that pesky going to classes part. For two Sundays in a row now, I've sat through Sacrament meeting bored out of my mind, only to hear people comment on how awesome and spiritual those particular meetings were. I also don't care for Relief Society, and I skip Sunday School entirely. I want to read scriptures on my own, but I never do. And I never go to the temple. It's weird cause I have a testimony that the church is true, and I have no intention of leaving it at all, but I really don't feel like I'm getting all that much from being there. Most people at church would say that you only get out of it what you put into it, and that's probably true, but I'm lazy. Now, don't you people all start Mormon bashing here, it's not open forum on Mormon hating. I've just had this on my mind, and I keep this blog to get stuff off my mind, so there you go. Good day to you.

will this mood never end?

My blah continues. I am merely updating because I feel obligated to. The monotony was broken briefly on Tuesday when I attended the tae kwon do awards ceremony. I received my yellow tip, which means that I am no longer a white belt, which is what anybody is if they just buy a uniform. YAY! Also, we have "fun and games" at the awards ceremony, which means we play paddle ball, which is fun, and a game, but we play it almost every class. I did manage to score on my very own son, who isn't that great of a goalie. Sorry kid, this is about getting the ball in the goal, not pandering to an eight year old who can't keep his attention on what he's doing. Then we played sumo, which is much like it sounds. You go in the ring with your partner, and then either push or pull him or her out of the ring using wiles and brute strength. I almost got pulled out, but at the last second pulled a switcharoo, braced myself and shoved him out of the ring. It was fun, and I even have nasty bruises on my arms where he grabbed me. Battle scars, baby. Then we had a contest where everybody lined up and at the other end were big tall kicking columns. In front of these they placed kicking bags, and you had to do a flying side kick to kick the column without hitting the kicking bag first. They started with just one kicking bag, which is about 8 inches tall, approximately. After everybody went through, they added another bag and so on and so forth. If you hit the kicking bag on your way to the column, you were eliminated. Eventually it was down to 3 people. Two guys and yours truly! There where 8 bags, which was about as tall as my mouth, and I did a flying side kick over them! I was eliminated at 9 bags, though. I thought that was pretty good. The guys got up to 10 bags, and tried 11 for fun. So I floated high on the euphoria of being a contender for a little while, but it was short lived. I've only talked to Jared once this week on instant messenger, and he made a few remarks that made me think he's grown unhappy with our arrangement. I think if I would sleep with him, I could probably keep him quite happy for quite a while, but I won't and if that's what he's looking for, oh well. Maybe I was just being sensitive on account of my mood, but only time will tell. I can't seem to lose as much weight as I want. I've been thinking of taking drastic measures, like only drinking liquids every other day or something. I dunno. I gotta go. Peace out.

PS.-I just invited Jared out for tomorrow, and he said he couldn't cause he already has a date. The great topper for my great mood. I know we don't have a commitment, but this is really bad timing. My life sucks.

Blahsday

Hello. I feel like crap today. This is, like the 3rd or 4th red alert day for pollution, and I feel like that might have something to do with it. Today around lunchtime it struck suddenly. I was just like, I don't feel like going back to work. I did, but I didn't want to. I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that Mario is back. My nose is runny, my eyes are burning and itchy, and I feel tired. I also feel cranky and feel like chucking the whole thing. I don't want to diet, exercise, go to tae kwon do, work, or do anything except talk to my friends and sleep. This probably means that if I do a little counting on my calendar I will most likely find out that I have a monthly friend coming soon. But what's the point of figuring it out, really? Rene said today that he's really liking not working Fridays, and if we get more work, he might make us go to 10 hour shifts, Monday-Thursday. It would be cool to always get Fridays off, but I don't really want to work 10 hours, either. Plus, if I have class that makes it so I need to leave at 5, I would have to come in at 6. That would suck. But he also said, if we can get more accounts at the higher price he'd just give us big enough raises that we don't need to work 40 hrs a week. eh. We'll see what happens. I'm supposed to clean out the fridge, but I'm having a really hard time getting started. I agreed to clean the fridge in exchange for Mom watching Ethan on Friday so I could go on a date. She's really been freaking out about how much time she thinks I spend away from Ethan, on account of him leaving in 3 weeks. She thinks I'm going to regret it later, but if I stop doing anything else for 3 weeks, I'll go insane and kill him, and I think I'd regret that even more. The Sixth Sense is on TV and I think it's bringing me down. The funny things is that usually my mom doesn't do anything cause of any number of excuses that all amount to her being lazy, and today she got all full of vim and vinegar and cleaned the living room and part of the kitchen. Maybe there's only enough energy in the house for one of us at a time, and she had it today. I think this is a good theory.