Crazy me

When the day started out, I was full of fear. You see, I have struggled with depression my entire life, to some degree or another. When I was a teenager, I constantly wished I was dead, and the only thing that held me back was the idea that something better might happen tomorrow. Tomorrow could've been the turning point, and if I kill myself today, I'll miss it. As I approached my twenties, my depression grew worse and worse. When I was 19, I planned to kill myself twice. Once I realized I didn't have enough of the right kind of drugs to finish the job, so I didn't try, and the second time, I was really going to do it, but my boyfriend recognized something in my eye and stopped me, quite literally, in the nick of time. I never again had that kind of resolve, but my problems didn't go away. I started to feel as if I wasn't me, like I was watching this girl Margie from a short distance away all the time. I was completely detached. I would watch her do crazy self destructive things and wonder why. I would shake my head in an emotionless evaluation saying to myself that that girl really needed some help. I would put on her makeup in the morning and make it darker and weirder every day, hoping that someone would see that she wasn't right and help her. She spent most of her time laying on the couch, cause she didn't want to do anything, but she went to work because it gave her money so that she could buy alcohol. Alcohol helped her forget herself and escape for a little while. Sometimes people would come drink with her or talk with her or fuck her, and she tried to pretend that she was enjoying all that and that she was normal. She felt bad that her friends were suffering because of her, but she couldn't see any way out. Whenever she did anything, she would see two scenarios in her head: the right, polite, normal version, and the OTHER version. For example, when she crossed the street, she would see herself waiting for all the cars to pass, and then herself carefully crossing after looking both ways, and she would also see herself stepping out right in front of the biggest truck on the street. Whenever she helped a customer, she would see herself answering their questions politely and accurately, and she would see herself grabbing them and smashing their brains out on the counter. Etc. One day, I couldn't tell which one was the real one and which one wasn't. That's when I decided that I had to re-enter my body and take the situation into my own hands. I got help. I went to therapy. I didn't get on medication right away, cause I wouldn't stop drinking, and antidepressants and alcohol don't mix. I left school. I got on antidepressants, and they didn't help. I decided I had to do what I had to do, and took my mental health into my own hands. When I got pregnant, my depression went away. Not completely, of course, but it got a lot better. Then when I was converted to Mormonism-that was the real turning point. Yes, I know I was baptised when I was eight, but I had to be converted myself. It was all better after that. As they say, I found God, and he took away my suffering. Isn't that what the propaganda says? Unfortunately, that only seems to have been a temporary fix. As everybody knows, all summer, I've been having some problems with being down sometimes. It's actually not this summer. This has been going on for about a year, and it's been getting steadily worse. I have found myself for the past few weeks thinking about how much I wish I were dead, but things might get better tomorrow. I've been on that ride before, and I really don't care to repeat it. I have felt as if black tendrils of depression have been curling into my brain, and they are twining themselves deeper and further in everyday. I felt hopeless and helpless this morning when I went through my morning routine. Don't worry, although I joke about it, I'm not thinking about killing people just yet, I just have a macabre sense of humor.
Then at church, something interesting happened. Brother McFall sat down by me and started to talk to me. He asked me a question about dating or something, and I said I don't date because men don't like me. He told me stories about how the difference between successful people and failures is attitude. He started talking about how the universe vibrates and our minds can change things. He said that our minds don't know the difference between real things we think, and the things we make up, and the universe doesn't either. He said that I should everyday tell myself over and over that I am attractive and that men love me and want to be with me. He said it may take six months to a year, but the universe will start to believe me and that men will start approaching me. He said it works with other things, too. He said that his business was bad, and he started saying to himself that he was a great contractor and that people want to hire him. He told me that within three months he had to hire more help to keep up with all the calls. He said he tells himself that he is wealthy and now he always has money to spare. He says that if you convince your brain of these things, the universe will adjust itself to your reality. Now, I don't know if I believe all that, but Josh has told me before that I should do positive affirmations, and it seems like this is basically the same thing. I don't really think the universe will adjust to me, but I think if I could convince my brain that I am attractive and fun and, most of all, not crazy, that maybe things really could change for me. If only Josh had explained it so convincingly! :) Maybe things really could be better tomorrow. Now, of course, I'm gonna have to find new friends because I've revealed to all these just how crazy I am, but maybe I can get a positive affirmation for that, too.
Also, Brother Christopher was sitting nearby, and he said he really doesn't understand it, that if he were single he would ask me out. I thought that was nice.

my sex life

Ok, kids, this post is gonna be a little crass, so if you can't handle it, better sign off now. You've been duly warned. Ethan left on August 22nd, which was a Monday, and the last date I had with Jared was the Wednesday before that. So it has been three weeks since last I made out. I really didn't notice up till now cause of the trauma of Ethan leaving, the excitement of school starting, the excitement of being freed, the worry about how Ethan is settling down in Utah, etc. Now school has started and I've realized I can handle it, Ethan has stopped having nightmares and seems extremely happy and well adjusted when I talk to him, I got socialed out (see next to last post), and I have adjusted to my situation. So now it has hit me. I am so HORNY. You'd think that since I went 8 years without even being kissed once, I would be pretty acclimated to the situation, but no, apparently, that's not how it works. I've really got to get this situation under control, cause it looks like there's no solution. I don't think Jared's gonna want to make out with me anymore (just a guess. :) ) And I really don't see any other guys rushing to vie for my hand, so, I guess I'm just screwed. Although not literally of course, that would make this post moot. Although Jared did offer to help me find a cheap motorcycle that he would then help me fix up, which seems like a pretty generous offer to make to someone you're not even boinking let alone dating, so maybe he's generous with the favors and wouldn't mind me asking? Nah. Probably not a good idea. *sigh* I guess Josh is right and my counter has been reset. It IS just like growing your hair out. It sucks. Oh well. Maybe I'll just watch Moulin Rouge. Ill fated love stories always make me feel slightly better about my plight. I may be alone, but at least my one true love isn't dead. That I know of. Crap, now I have something else to worry about.

weight update

My public has demanded a weight update. I thought nobody cared, so I stopped, but I guess I was wrong. This morning my weight was 208! I am very excited to finally be seeing regular progress. That's 52 pounds gone. If I aim for 160, which is the top of my ideal weight range, I need to lose 48 more pounds. I've gone over the hump! Hooray! In other news, Cainnum: it's really hard finding all your new comments. I get them at my email, but then I have to come here to find them for the context and possible reply. Man alive! No class this week, and I still haven't done a shred of homework. I'm such a slacker. I"m gonna end up reading 2 chapters for Government on Sunday night and 2 stories and a chapter for English on Tuesday night, I just know it! I need to buckle down! Eh. Other than that nothing really exciting going on around here. Bye!

my social capacity

So, remember how when Ethan left I started going out every night, and I'm in school and going to church and all? I think I socialed myself out. I finally hit the breaking point yesterday at church. I was wearing a dress that I don't really care for and fasting, which I'm not really sure is a good idea, and people kept telling me how much the liked my dress. I started to get really annoyed. I know it's weird, but nobody ever tells me they like my outfit when I'm wearing something I really like, like all black. No, they tell me when I'm wearing the big shapeless orange and maroon dress. So I started to get annoyed and after a while I just felt like saying, "Yeah, yeah, I look great, go away." And, as everyone knows, I want to be released from my calling as Single Adult Rep, a request which they said no to. I don't want to go to the activities full of people with silver hair and false teeth. I never get any information from the stake leadership. Put those things together and you end up with a very frustrated Margie. How am I supposed to do my calling if nobody tells me what's going on? So in our ward, we're supposed to have a ward single adult correlation meeting the first Wednesday of every month, and I just started school, so I shouldn't be able to go to it, but it so happens that I don't have school this week. Dammit. So I was thinking about not going and saying I forgot, but Brother Koburna came up to me at the end of church and reminded me. He's the other Single Adult Rep, and he's been at it awhile, so he knows the ins and outs. But he also said he was going to be out of town, so he wouldn't be there. This meeting consists of: him, me, a lady from Relief Society, a guy from Priesthood, and a member of the bishopric. All of them are there to meet the needs of the single adults. Brother Koburna and I are supposed to tell them what those needs are. So I told Brother Koburna that I already asked to be released and they said no, so I didn't want to be there anyway, and if he wasn't going to be there I didn't see any point of having the meeting because I don't know what's going on. He said that I should call the stake rep, who happens to be Linda Barnett, Ethan's grandmother, and ask if there's anything going on. I said that I shouldn't HAVE to call her, she should let me know if anything is happening. He said, "Yeah, but you're proactive, so. . ." I said, rather brusquely, "I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO." And stormed off. Poor guy. It's not his fault, but I hadn't eaten. I'll blame it on that. In the parking lot, mom was standing around talking to Sherri Foster and Susan Porter, and I went up and made lets go away motions. She told them she needed to go, and then, apparently as a continuation of what they were all ready talking about, Sister Porter said, ". . .like Margie, she's got an old soul." Now it's weird that she said that, cause people have been saying that about me since I was a few days old. I'm not even joking. I really don't know why this is a recurring theme in my life, but I just think it's a little odd. I replied to her, "Yeah, that's why I've always been a cranky old lady!" They thought that was really funny. I'm glad I could bring a little joy into their hum-drum lives. :) ANYHOO. So I went home, and at some point in the evening I hit maximum social load. Sorry to all those affected by the devastation. After Josh left (one of those affected), I played around on the computer for a little while and then went to my room and shut the door. Every once in a while, someone would come to the door and try to be all talking to me, and they would get barely restrained annoyance at best and their head snapped off at worst. Then Becky called to talk about Ethan and life, and she was in such a good mood because she was happy to be talking an adult. It was so annoying. But I was trying really hard to be nice. So then she was talking about how much I must miss Ethan, and then I did! And I started crying! I did it quietly, so I hope she didn't notice. Then when I got up this morning, I still didn't want to talk to anybody so I played video games for a while. I think I've recharged now, which is good, cause I'm typing this, talking to two people on IM, and talking to mom and Joey at the same time. Difficult.

My first week in school

Righto. Now that my first week back in school is over, at least school wise it's over, I thought it time to update. Monday I had Texas Government. I thought it was going to be boring, but Professor Wyman (I think that's his name) said he hates classes that are boring. 30% of our grade is based on participation so we spend a lot of time debating. We spent approximately 20-30 minutes in legislative session debating what time and how long our break would be. It was eventually decided that it would be 20 minutes at 7:30. I think that's a little early, but oh well. We have to take a newspaper article about a current Texas political event every week, and we will debate about one of those things every week. Also, every week, we will be watching part of a 4 hour long PBS show about "the greatest politician ever to come out of Texas," LBJ. The quote is from the teacher. I thought that's pretty cool. So I think this class will go well.
So tonight I had grammar and Composition, which I must confess I was pretty worried about. I got to class 30 minutes early, because Monday I was 15 minutes late, so I left 20 minutes earlier this time. Figure that math out if you dare. So I was sitting there alone with my teacher, Professor Smith, and I told her that I was worried about doing grammar stuff. She said she doesn't worry to much about that, just the basics. Rock on! So when class started and she handed out the syllabus, it turns out we have to write 4 essays this semester. Only four! And no term paper! There's a final, but "if things get too crazy at the end of the semester, we might not take it." Can you believe it? Easiest English class ever! We do have to do 2-3 readings every week and write a journal entry about each, which looks like cake. Next week is my second week, and I have no classes. Government falls on Labor Day, and my English teacher will be out of town on Wednesday, so no classes! So far this semester is shaping up pretty well.
It seems like there aren't any hot widowers or divorcees in my classes, more's the pity. There is one cute guy that's in both my classes, but when I pointed out that we had the same classes, he said, "Oh, really?" Guess he was so dazzled by my beauty that he couldn't even hold the thought of me in his pitiful little brain. :) But, in other news, Jared finally IM'ed me. He also apologized TWICE. Me likee. I'm not saying we're dating again, but now that the lines of communication are open, who knows what could develop in the far distant future when he's finished puberty? I'm patient. Plus I don't really have many other options, so I can't really be anything other than patient. I talked to him until he started answering in one word sentences and then I told him I needed to go and got off the computer. I say leave 'em wanting more, right?
It would be really nice if my perpetual bad mood were over. My mom thinks it's because of my diet. I think she's trying to sabotage my diet. Damn her eyes. Alrighty. I can't think of nuthing else to say. Good day.

I'm detecting a pattern in my life

Today was an unusual kind of day. I got up and got dressed. I think I looked pretty good, too. I had breakfast and went to church. I worked in the library and went to class. People were especially friendly today. Lots of people chatted with me in an especially friendly and close way, although none of them commented on how I looked. Evelyn asked me to sit by a new convert in Relief Society, which I couldn't do because the lady was sitting smack in the middle of the room and I need to sneak out early to go back to the library, but it usually makes me feel good when people single me out for responsibility. I sat, instead, next to Angela Vincent, whom I get along really well with, and Jennifer Churchwell, whom I don't know very well, but we seem pretty simpatico. In my free time in the library, I wrote a letter to Ethan. The Meza's spoke in sacrament, and I really love their accent. I sat by Brad John and his wife, both of whom I really like. The third of my three visiting teachees told me today, with seeming sincerity and pleasure, that I am the best visiting teacher she's ever had. The other two told me this on Friday. All in all, this seems like a perfect day at church. But for the entire three hours I felt utterly and entirely alone and empty. I don't know why. All the ingredients are there for a good day. Nothing bad happened. From all appearances and the reactions of others I was interesting and friendly, but it was all a facade. I wonder why. Maybe I was just missing Ethan, as this was my first Sunday without him. Maybe I am just an automaton, devoid of real emotion except when I can trick myself into imagining it. Why am I so freaking high maintainence emotionally? Why can't I just be normal? It's kinda starting to piss me off. After church I went to Kiera and Patrick's for dinner, which was deliciouso, and we watched The Wedding Singer, which was good. I had fun there, so maybe I'm not a freak. There's no way to tell, really. I start school tomorrow, and I'm waiting to see how that goes. I think the alternator is out on my car and I have no way or time to get it fixed. WHY?!? OH WHY?!?

I'm an adult now

I think it's very interesting that nobody commented (except for Kiera, but I think that might have been a pity comment) on my last update. Could it be that everyone is tired of hearing about Ethan and/or Jared? Oh well. I ain't worried about it. I've realized now that I was transferring affections to Jared to try to protect myself from the pain of Ethan's immanent departure, and I don't actually like him nearly as much as I thought. So I sent him a letter apologizing and telling him I wasn't actually upset with him, but with Ethan leaving and now we'll see if he's sick of my craziness or if he can still be friends with me. But anyway, I am now registered for school! I am taking State Government and English Composition. I'm not really sure why I had to take a writing test to tell them that I can write so that I would be eligible to take a class that will teach me how to write, but it's required, so what are ya gonna do? My books cost fuckin 150 buckaroos, which blows, but no way around it, I suppose. I actually don't need that many more core classes. I still need: a speech class, 2 science classes (apparently my geology class doesn't count. Dammit.), 1 US history class, American Government, and one hour of PE. Then of course I would need to transfer back to UNT to see what I would need to do to finish up my art requirements. And if I decide to minor in business, I have absolutely no idea at all what that would entail. So at 2 classes a semester, that's a absolute minimum of 1 1/2 more years! Yay! And Ethan's coming back next year, so that'll be the end of that! Oh well. At least I'll be a little but closer. Maybe I'll be one of those people you see in the paper where it tells how hard their life was, but how they persevered, and at the age of 97 FINALLY graduated from college! It'll have a picture of me all dresses like Kiera suggested and wrinkly and old, and it'll have a caption that will be a quote from me, "I've always thought that an education was important, and I decided to get my degree, no matter how long it took!" It kinda makes you think. When I was a kid, everyone was always telling me what potential I had, and how I could be anything. I never dreamed I would end up a 31 year old single mother, living with my parents, college drop out with a past and no future to speak of. It's funny how life just goes past while we're wasting it. No wait, funny's not the right word, it's. . .oh yeah, it's sad. Oh well, no going back now.

Progress I think

Ethan has been gone since yesterday morning, and I realize some things now. I had been really upset about his impending departure. Way more upset than I realized. All summer long he's been acting like he wasn't going to miss anything here except video games. When we went to the airport, he suddenly changed his mind and said he wasn't going, and got pretty upset. Of course I told him it was too late to change his mind, and I was barely able to hold it together, but I realize now that I had been the most upset because it seemed like Ethan wasn't going to miss me at all. If your child doesn't miss you, you are a bad mother. But he does miss me, and so I am able to let him go in good conscience. I know that sounds contradictory, but it's like, if I'm a bad mother, I'm letting him go live with his father because I wasn't good enough. If I'm a good mother, I'm letting him go live with his father because it's the best thing for him right now. I guess Ethan avoids his emotions just like I do. When he got there, he called me and he was doing much better, although he said he missed me. So now I'm pretty good with things. Always before when he was gone I felt like I needed to frantically have as much fun as possible because time was short, but this time I feel more relaxed.
I also feel pretty relaxed about the Jared thing. He may IM, or he may not. I've let it go. I think that mom was right and I was desperately holding on to him so that I wouldn't be alone. Don't get me wrong, I like him, and I still would like to date him, but I'm thinking that I was just another notch on his belt, and if that's the case I don't need him. If it's not the case, maybe he'll come back to me eventually. I think part of me was just really flattered that such a hot guy wanted me. I mean, he's the best looking guy I've ever dated, and it feels good to think that I can get such a looker. Also, it was nice to feel sexy again, cause for along time all I've felt like is a fat mom. If we do go out again, I don't think it'll be anytime soon. Maybe in a few months or more. You know how some people thing everything is done on a great cosmic plan, and some people think it's all random? I'm in the middle. I think God has a plan for us, and directs us in certain things, but doesn't micromanage, and also everyone has free will. So I've wondered if Jared asking me out was part of the plan, just random, or one of those things that God didn't care whether it happened or not, so it was all up to Jared and if he wanted to ask me out. Is it that Jared is really right for me, but not yet, but we had to come together now to lay down the ground work for later? Is it that there's someone out there for me, and I needed to have my mind re-opened on the idea of dating so I would notice the guy when he comes along, so Jared was a primer or something? Is it just that Jared was bored and I was in his line of fire? Is it just that Jared was trying to get laid and God didn't want me to go out with him at all? Did it even matter to anyone but me in the cosmic scheme? I dunno. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things from my point of view. I'm just a little bit player. I guess I'll know what the point was after it all comes together. I just hope if I was being preped for someone else that he's hot. I've had my standards raised now, and there's no going back! :)
For now, I'm pretty content. I got a perfect score on my writing test. I'll get registered for college this week. I can go out anytime I want to. Life is pretty good. Now on to the things that I've been wanting lately. I think I'm going through an early midlife crises. In June, I suddenly got the desire to pierce the top part of my ear. I haven't done it, but the desire hasn't gone away. In July, out of the blue, I got a rampart burning urge to get a tattoo. I have NEVER wanted a tat, even at my wildest. And the desire doesn't go away. I really don't know what to make of it. This month, my new desire is for a motorcycle. I want a motorcycle so bad I can taste it. If I had money, I would have bought one already. I even looked in the denton record chronicle to see what they run for. The only problems are: I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, I wouldn't know how to learn, I don't know how to work on a motorcycle, I wouldn't even know how to pick one as I know so very little about them, and they are dangerous. I can at least say that I would use less gas with one and that's a bonus. I can just picture me this spring after I've lost all my weight in jeans, boots, and leathers getting off my bike and taking off my helmet. It would be so hot. Grr. Being poor sucks! So this definitely sounds like a midlife crises. I even dated a guy way too young for me! I need a comb-over or something as proof!

Bad weekend

I must say, this weekend has been one of the most emotional I have had in a long time. It goes down like this: Saturday I started withdrawing, as is my penchant when things get hard, and knowing that Ethan is leaving Monday morning, hard times are here indeed. Saturday afternoon, I talked to Jared on instant messenger, and it started out well enough, although he was upset because his car recently broke down. Soon, however, things turned to not so good, when he got upset with me and said that he thinks I have a fear of getting hurt and that as a result our relationship isn't progressing. I told him that while I did have a fear of getting hurt, I had finally let go of the initial things that bothered me and had decided to go with the flow. That's not exactly what I said, but you get the idea. He asked what kind of things were bothering me and I told him that I had really been stressing about the fact that he's so young and other things, and he said that it seems like there are just too many obstacles. I told him that if he would just stop worrying about not having sex and just enjoy this he might have the best relationship he's ever had. His response was, "uh-huh." Finally, after some other stuff that I don't remember he said that maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now because he was already stressed about other things and I agreed. I asked if we could get together later in the evening to talk about it, and he asked if he could get back to me. He never did.
Today (Sunday) I went to church as usual, and I talked to my friends Tina and Brad, who had advice for me on the situation. Brad said to relax, and Tina said that I should just go see him and lay it all out on the line, saying that I want a relationship and I'm not rejecting him by not having sex with him and so on and so forth. Then I went to talk to Brother Kazynski because I want to be released as single adult rep. We talked about that for a long time, and he suggested that maybe for now I could just attend the activities and I told him I hate the activities and going to them was torture for me. During the course of explaining this to him, I started crying. I apologized and told him I was stressed because the guy I'm dating is freaking out on me and my son is moving in the morning, which he didn't know about. We talked about both of these issues a little, and he said he would talk to the bishop about whether I could be released or not. Then I tried to clean up a little and I went to Relief Society. I walk in, trying to keep it together, cause when I start crying about something, it usually opens the flood gates. Then, it turns out the lesson was, "The nobility of Parenthood." Can you fucking believe it? Well that was that, and off I went to the bathroom for a good solid cry. Somebody went and told mom, and she came in and talked to me for a little while, and she told me that she thought that I was getting so attached to and upset about Jared because I was planning on using him as a substitute for my affections with Ethan leaving. That actually makes a lot of sense, damn her. So I cried for the rest of church, and then decided to follow mom's advice and get a blessing of comfort. For any non-Mormons out there, we believe that a person with authority can bless someone by the laying on of hands, like in the Bible. There are different kinds, like if your sick, you want a healing blessing. I wanted a blessing to comfort me, and these usually will give you some advice and tell you how things are coming along somewhat. I know that most of you might think this is crap, but I believe that these blessings are from God, and therefore, really good to listen to really well. So listen I did, and the message I got was: suffer. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. It was all, Christ knows what your going through and greater things will come from all this if you stick it out. Fabulous.
So I go home, and start getting everything ready for Ethan's departure. Of course, I don't get to spend much time with Ethan, cause he's rather spend his precious time playing Psychonauts. So I decide late in the evening to give David a call, and I decide to ask him for boy advice, cause he knows me pretty durn well, and he usually gives me pretty good advice in that area, believe it or not. So I told him all about my boy troubles, including some of the things Jared has said and done and the things I've said and done, and he did have something useful to say (among all the hot air that came with it. :) ) He said, "I don't have a problem with you dating a 21 year old. And I don't have a problem with you dating a non-member. And I don't know this guy at all, but some of the things you say that he has said are red flags to me, as a guy that used to be a lot like him. It sounds like he's a major player. It sounds like he's gotten tired of shooting at the can five feet away on the fence post because it's not fun anymore, and he decided to shoot at something that was more of a challenge." That made a lot of sense to me. He pointed out some specific things that Jared has said that I didn't even think about, being a girl and all. I told Joey about this, and he said that it may be true, but he doesn't think that it was conscious on Jared's part. That it's just automatic because that's the kind of life he leads. That makes a lot of sense, too. And I think it may be true. I really don't think Jared started with a malicious plan or anything (at least not anymore), but it seems like it has the same results. So now I think I'm content to see how it plays out. If he contacts me again, which I really don't know if he will or not, I think I will do as Tina said, and just lay it all out. Explain who I am, and what I'm about and see what his reaction is.
Of course, by this time it was nearing Ethan's bed time, and I started getting emotional again. Ethan started hugging me and hugging me, and saying he didn't want to go. I climbed in bed with him and we both just lay there and cried for a while. I told him that he was going to have fun stuff, and finally I had to leave because he needed to go to sleep and he wasn't doing it with me there. I've been crying sporadically every since. Life is hard. Tomorrow morning is going to be hell I think. *sigh* Jared is online right now and hasn't said anything to me. Interesting.

I forgot:

I forgot to put this in my last post, and I was going to go back and add it before anybody noticed, but it's too late! So here it is: I realized that something I always wanted has happened! When I was skinny, I always said that I kinda wished I was fat, so I would know that the guys chasing me liked me for me, and not just my body. Then I got fat and nobody wanted me. Now somebody does want me, even though I'm still fat! Huzzah! Last night I asked, "When I lose all my weight, will you like me more?" He replied, "I like you now, the way you are." Isn't that sweet! And it maybe the "right" answer, but I still like it. tee hee!

I'm confused! My life is. . .good?

Apparently, I am the only person I know who feels like keeping up with blogs, but I'm still going to do it! I'll troop on alone! Anyhoo. As my readers might remember, my last post was all about how damaged I am, and how I'm through dating. Well. . .it was a phase I think. I mean, I was really serious, but, I just can't go through with it. I went out with Jared last night, and, dammit, I'm just too attached. We had so much fun, and he took a little time to talk about some of my issues, and, Josh: you'll probably like him, because he says a lot of the same things you do, like there's no point in being alone, you gotta take a chance, blah blah blah. Stupid boys. He says we need to have serious talk so that we can get me over some of this stuff. The fool! He has no idea how long of a talk THAT would have to be! MUAH HA HA! I have no idea why a maniacal laugh was necessary at that point, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. And a friend of his dropped by and wanted to meet me, cause he's heard so much about me! I wanted to say, "what kind of things have you heard?" But I didn't. *sigh* I guess I'll have to take a lesson from American Gods, and just eat the strawberries. I bet Dave is the only person reading who gets that. Word, Dave, word.

blog-o-therapy

It was recently pointed out to me that I am only interested in guys that are unavailable. This got me thinking. Why is this? hmmm. Well, I've come up with some explanations, and I shall cover them now. By the end of this, you'll probably be thinking that I think way too much, but short of a lobotomy or heavy intoxication, I'm not stopping, so it's just too damn bad. To begin, we have to go way back to my childhood. I hate people who blame everything on their parents rather than taking responsibility for their lives, but, well. . .it's my parents' fault. My parents have been telling me all my life in various ways that I'm not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, whatever suits the occasion. It's usually been subtle and backhanded, but it's sometimes even been plainly stated enough for anyone to understand. A few months ago, my friend Mike reminded me that way back when we were 21, he recorded some of our phone calls for use in an art project. He recently found one of the tapes and started listening to it, and he wanted me to hear it, so he played it for me. On this tape, I heard myself saying that my mom had recently told me that I was lazy, mean, worthless, and a bitch, and that she wasn't surprised that I didn't have any friends because I didn't care about anybody but myself. That wasn't all I said, but that's all I can recall off the top of my head. After we listened to the tape, Mike said that the most horrible thing about it was how resigned and matter of fact I sounded while saying all that. I told him that of course I was matter of fact, my mom has been saying things like that to me my entire life. He was, appropriately, appalled. Also, from the third grade to the ninth grade, I was the emotional punching bag for the kids at school. They called me various nicknames, the foremost one being Magpie, cause Magpies are ugly dirty birds, according to them, and they told all the "you're so ugly jokes" about me. These things took place especially in those important prepubescent years, their taunts grew more sophisticated as we got older. So, my inner dialogue is, in essence, a combination of those kids and my mother. I have tried to change this. I have tried different things trying to be good enough, but I always fail because my standards will always be one step higher than what I am able to do. I tell myself I am good enough and smart enough and pretty enough, but deep down, I just don't believe it. So I avoid situations that will prove to me there is something wrong with me. Which brings me to dating. I cannot believe that I am lovable and desirable, except for sexually, cause that's the only thing my mother has never been able to criticize me for, and I am quite good at it if I say so myself. When I am attracted to a guy, it all comes down to whether he wants me back. When a guy that is unavailable rejects me, I can make it his fault; oh, he was already with her, if he had just met me first, oh, he's far too young, he's not READY yet, oh, he's emotionally unavailable, he can't love or anybody else. But when I like a guy who isn't unavailable, and it does happen occasionally, and he doesn't like me back, what can I say? Then it goes right back to the fact that I'm not good enough in some way. And, quite frankly, I can't handle that. For a while I was truly happy. I had settled down to the fact that I would be alone forever, and I was able to concentrate on me. It was the happiest time of my life. But then a boy asked me out, and I experienced the highs of courtship, to be followed weekly by the crushing lows of self doubt. And my self doubts are crushing indeed. I don't like feeling that way. Some people say, better to take the chance or dance the dance or whatever, but in my case I don't think that's true. I think I prefer the monotonous drone of contentedness to the roller coaster. So stick a fork in me. I'm done. Maybe I'll try for one more make out session, but that's the end of the line. I'm just not stable enough to be with someone. Period. I guess I just gotta be me.

drastic measures

Apparently, I haven't alerted some people to my new diet, so I am doing so now. I used to just TRY to eat sensibly. I ate 2 pieces of Milton bread, which is high in fiber and all the good stuff, toasted with some fakey butter crap for breakfast, a small snack midmorning, like a serving of juice or something, lunch, a snack in the afternoon, like celery, and dinner. I was on a long plateau, so I decided to switch it up a little. Now, in Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, as much as possible, I am eating a severely reduced intake diet. I still eat my toast in the morning, and the same snacks, but at lunch and dinner, I just drink liquids, like a slimfast, and I have another snack in the evening, so that I get a maximum calories of 1000 for the day. Of course, I'm also taking a multivitamin, so don't get worried about that! So far, I think it's working out pretty well. Monday I didn't have the slimfast, so I was just drinking milk and juice and broth, and I forgot to take my vitamins, so it was pretty rough, but Wednesday was good. And Friday I didn't do it cause I took my THEA that day. That's the test you have to pass to get into college, and I thought it wise to eat a solid breakfast before hand. And then when I went home and said I thought I did well, mom wanted to take me out to celebrate, and then when Dave wanted to buy everybody pizza for dinner, well. . .you can't turn down those kind of offers can you? Everybody who has used my scale knows that you can change your weight by shifting back and forth, so it's hard to say what my ACTUAL weight is, but used to, at my lightest weight shift I could only get it down to like, 219, but today it went down to 213! I know that's not actually my weight, but it's still progress!

Finally!

It seems the evil miasma is gone! Today around mid afternoon, for no apparent reason, I just started feeling better. When I drink, it screws up my brain and I get really depressed and sullen for days afterward. I wonder if all those sips I took are the culprit? So now I'm happy again. Hooray! I was even joking around with the other parents at tae kwon do during Ethan's class today. I had a nice chat with a lady from South Africa who says that things are "lovely," in the most lovely accent. I think it's so cool when she says that! I wish I could pull it off. And then tonight I had a LONG IM with Jared. Apparently he hasn't tired of me, cause he told me a secret about himself, and then started talking all about our relationship, and I seriously upset him by telling him my theory that he only asked me out cause he thinks I'll crack given the chance to have sex. He was saying all the right stuff, though. Either he's a better playa than I thought, or he really likes me. The only big problem is he wants the booty, and Margie don't play that. I got a big chance to show off my damaged side, and if that don't run him off. . . then the conversation turned to the whole, "where does it say in the bible that you shouldn't have premarital sex?" Of course I was able to find verses to that effect, and then he brought up the whole, "there was a ho that hung with Christ and she was forgiven," bit. Poor Jared. He doesn't realize I went over all this with myself a long time ago. I had to convince myself, so I know all this stuff! He said that he asked me out because we're an optimal match. I felt it wise not to point out the big problems at that point. Maybe he meant personality wise. And when he left, he said, "Goodnight, sweetie!" teehee. I'm really glad I got in a good mood BEFORE I talked to him, or I would suspect that my happiness hinges on men liking me. Well, my head hurts due to a severe limit on my intake of calories today, so I'm going to bed.

Things I wish I could do

I'm tired. Tired of everything. My mood continues, and I'm now walking through a haze of grey. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to lay around and read. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy either. The last time I felt this way was when I gave up caffeine. I decided to make a list of things that might make me feel alive again. Here goes.

-A new car: one that I can drive as fast as I want without fear of it falling apart.

-Losing weight: and losing it at a steady enough pace that I feel like I might eventually get somewhere in the general proximity of my target.

-A good lay: I was going to specify and say "in the rain" or "so wild it breaks the furniture and knocks the pictures off the walls," but, let's face it, if I'm getting it, I'll take what I can get.

-Something weird to happen at work: like I could go in tomorrow, and Rene might say, hey guys, lets go to the circus, and you'll get paid for it! That would rock.

-Going to a kick ass rock show: this is only a hypothetical rock show. I know that in reality, the whole experience would annoy me, but it's a nice thought in my head.

-Having a song written about me: you know, it would be so cool to hear my name on the radio. Especially if the song is really cool. Even a song that I could pretend was about me would be nice, but there's just not many songs about Margie out there.

-Going sailing: I've never been, but it looks exhilarating in the movies.

-Going surfing: I've wanted to learn every since Dr Greene went surfing on ER. And Lilo and Stitch cemented the desire.

-Going jet skiing: it's fun, but too expensive for me to rent.

-Going bungee jumping: I know it's old news, but I've never done it.

-Going parachuting: looks awesome. and expensive.

-Going on a trip: Whether to the coast for the weekend, to road side attractions for a week, or Europe for a month, I long to travel. I've always wanted to travel. Every since I was a kid. But I've never been able to, whether due to finances or circumstance. Cursed to be born beautiful, poor and female, there's none who suffer more. (That's from a Porno for Pyro's song. It seemed to fit the situation.)

-Being discovered: Whether it's for acting, modeling, be a rock star, or the lost heir to a throne, I've always had a childish desire that one day, someone would come along and realize that I am spectacular in some way previously unnoticed by everyone else, and it doesn't really matter how. This desire grows more foolish with every passing year, yet still it endures.

-Moving out: Everyday this desire grows. As I drive pass houses, I imaging how I would decorate the outside. When I am at the store, I walk past the dishes and furniture and think how I would decorate the inside of my house. I think how happy and shiny my life would be. How I would only have to clean up after me, except when Ethan comes home, or when I have guests. How I would make my little dinner, just for me, and not have to listen to mom bitch. How I would clean up the little tiny messes that I make every week, and not feel angry because it's not my fault and nobody else cares. How I wouldn't have to talk to anybody if I didn't want to. It may be my little fairy tale, but in my imagination, it would be wonderful.

That's all I can think of for now, but I may think of more later. Now I'm going to practice my tae kwon do moves. It's one of the few things I still care about.

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight. . .

Lately I've been feeling like a bad Mormon. And, no, I am not referring to the fact that I sipped every alcoholic drink that passed in front of me on Friday night, I feel not even the slightest bit of guilt over that. I really enjoy the service part, believe it or not. I like visiting teaching, and I like doing my calling. It's just that pesky going to classes part. For two Sundays in a row now, I've sat through Sacrament meeting bored out of my mind, only to hear people comment on how awesome and spiritual those particular meetings were. I also don't care for Relief Society, and I skip Sunday School entirely. I want to read scriptures on my own, but I never do. And I never go to the temple. It's weird cause I have a testimony that the church is true, and I have no intention of leaving it at all, but I really don't feel like I'm getting all that much from being there. Most people at church would say that you only get out of it what you put into it, and that's probably true, but I'm lazy. Now, don't you people all start Mormon bashing here, it's not open forum on Mormon hating. I've just had this on my mind, and I keep this blog to get stuff off my mind, so there you go. Good day to you.

will this mood never end?

My blah continues. I am merely updating because I feel obligated to. The monotony was broken briefly on Tuesday when I attended the tae kwon do awards ceremony. I received my yellow tip, which means that I am no longer a white belt, which is what anybody is if they just buy a uniform. YAY! Also, we have "fun and games" at the awards ceremony, which means we play paddle ball, which is fun, and a game, but we play it almost every class. I did manage to score on my very own son, who isn't that great of a goalie. Sorry kid, this is about getting the ball in the goal, not pandering to an eight year old who can't keep his attention on what he's doing. Then we played sumo, which is much like it sounds. You go in the ring with your partner, and then either push or pull him or her out of the ring using wiles and brute strength. I almost got pulled out, but at the last second pulled a switcharoo, braced myself and shoved him out of the ring. It was fun, and I even have nasty bruises on my arms where he grabbed me. Battle scars, baby. Then we had a contest where everybody lined up and at the other end were big tall kicking columns. In front of these they placed kicking bags, and you had to do a flying side kick to kick the column without hitting the kicking bag first. They started with just one kicking bag, which is about 8 inches tall, approximately. After everybody went through, they added another bag and so on and so forth. If you hit the kicking bag on your way to the column, you were eliminated. Eventually it was down to 3 people. Two guys and yours truly! There where 8 bags, which was about as tall as my mouth, and I did a flying side kick over them! I was eliminated at 9 bags, though. I thought that was pretty good. The guys got up to 10 bags, and tried 11 for fun. So I floated high on the euphoria of being a contender for a little while, but it was short lived. I've only talked to Jared once this week on instant messenger, and he made a few remarks that made me think he's grown unhappy with our arrangement. I think if I would sleep with him, I could probably keep him quite happy for quite a while, but I won't and if that's what he's looking for, oh well. Maybe I was just being sensitive on account of my mood, but only time will tell. I can't seem to lose as much weight as I want. I've been thinking of taking drastic measures, like only drinking liquids every other day or something. I dunno. I gotta go. Peace out.

PS.-I just invited Jared out for tomorrow, and he said he couldn't cause he already has a date. The great topper for my great mood. I know we don't have a commitment, but this is really bad timing. My life sucks.

Blahsday

Hello. I feel like crap today. This is, like the 3rd or 4th red alert day for pollution, and I feel like that might have something to do with it. Today around lunchtime it struck suddenly. I was just like, I don't feel like going back to work. I did, but I didn't want to. I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that Mario is back. My nose is runny, my eyes are burning and itchy, and I feel tired. I also feel cranky and feel like chucking the whole thing. I don't want to diet, exercise, go to tae kwon do, work, or do anything except talk to my friends and sleep. This probably means that if I do a little counting on my calendar I will most likely find out that I have a monthly friend coming soon. But what's the point of figuring it out, really? Rene said today that he's really liking not working Fridays, and if we get more work, he might make us go to 10 hour shifts, Monday-Thursday. It would be cool to always get Fridays off, but I don't really want to work 10 hours, either. Plus, if I have class that makes it so I need to leave at 5, I would have to come in at 6. That would suck. But he also said, if we can get more accounts at the higher price he'd just give us big enough raises that we don't need to work 40 hrs a week. eh. We'll see what happens. I'm supposed to clean out the fridge, but I'm having a really hard time getting started. I agreed to clean the fridge in exchange for Mom watching Ethan on Friday so I could go on a date. She's really been freaking out about how much time she thinks I spend away from Ethan, on account of him leaving in 3 weeks. She thinks I'm going to regret it later, but if I stop doing anything else for 3 weeks, I'll go insane and kill him, and I think I'd regret that even more. The Sixth Sense is on TV and I think it's bringing me down. The funny things is that usually my mom doesn't do anything cause of any number of excuses that all amount to her being lazy, and today she got all full of vim and vinegar and cleaned the living room and part of the kitchen. Maybe there's only enough energy in the house for one of us at a time, and she had it today. I think this is a good theory.

At least it's not a corset

Alright boys, this post is one you might not understand, but feel free to read on for informational value. I'm complaining about bras today. Yes, that's right-bras. They are so freaking annoying. I don't understand why ever little girl can't wait to get boobs, cause they are just a nuisance for the most part, but I'm not complaining about boobs today, so back on topic. I have 2 bras. I have one that is really comfortable and works really well in most circumstances, and one "sports" bra that I bought for more support during those exercise times, but actually provides less support than my regular bra. Now this is simply not enough bras. And I know some people are actually grossed out by the idea of wearing the same bra every day. So every once in a while, I try to get more bras, and this is where the trouble starts. First of all, bras are pretty expensive. I mean, you can find one for ten bucks, but I've found out the hard way that when your over the shoulder boulder holders are supporting this much weight, they should be quality craftsmanship. The ten dollar ones don't fit very well, are uncomfortable, and wear out pretty fast. So to get a good one, you're lucky to get it for $20, but usually they're more like $22-$28. Sometimes you can catch a sale, like buy two get one free and so forth. But the big problem is, that you can find one for that price, and then when you wear it for 4-8 hours, you find out it's not comfortable for the long haul, or it doesn't fit right after it gets settled or something like that. And it's pretty upsetting to drop 25 smackers on something you only wear once, unless it's a prom dress, that would be a good deal. So I have a drawer full of bras I never wear, for a variety of reasons. And I can't throw them away, cause I spent good money on them, and who am I gonna give them to? I don't know anyone that has boobs my size. And I personally don't believe in giving underwear to resale stores cause I think that's gross, even though there's no fluids coming from my breasts (except for a time after my son was born) I still feel it's unsanitary somehow to pass along a bra. Maybe I'm weird. Anyhoo. So you have all this pressure to get just the right one to buy so you don't waste your money, cause, quite frankly, I'm poor all the damn time. So my bra is getting too big because I'm losing weight. So today I decided to go a-lookin' for a new bra or three. I went to Lane Bryant, cause it's a store for fatties like me, and my mom loves their bras, so I thought it was a good choice. I was in luck! A buy 2 get 1 free sale! Hooray! So I pick out a selection of bras in several sizes. No luck. So I adjust the sizes I'm picking. Again, no luck. I think I tried on 14 bras, and yet, I couldn't find a single one that I liked. Most of the bras out there have under wires, which is a c shaped wire that goes under and around the boob and supposedly provides support, but on me, they usually dig into my rib cage, which isn't comfortable. Of the ones that don't have underwires, many of them have like a sleeve or band that goes down the torso for a couple of inches. I know from experience that those roll like crazy on me. Many of their bras were, get this, padded. I know! And they even had these little bags of air in little pockets on the inside of the bra. Now tell me why in the world a woman that is trying on a DD bra needs help in this area! SERIOUSLY! Just for anyone who's not aware, small breasts are A. Slightly larger is B. C is widely considered "perfect" although I would say it has a lot to do with the woman's frame and stuff. D is large. DD is, well. . . huge. They even have triple D. Sad really. Of course there are women that need larger sizes than these, At JCPenney you can order up to an H in some bras. But still. Anyone who's seen my breasts knows that I don't need padding and innertubes. So bra sizing experts say that you should chose a bra that will leave no red marks on your back or shoulders. I would like to see this mystical bra, cause I have NEVER found a bra that didn't leave a mark somewhere. I used to have an underwire that rubbed the sides of my breasticles so much they chapped and bled. Can you imagine? So if you do manage to find a bra that fits right and doesn't kill you, then you have to actually see how your breast look in it. Are they all squished together? Are they seperated and shooting off to the sides? Are they drooping down way too low? Are they up so high you look silly and have trouble breathing to boot? Between all these many factors, you can see why I still only have 2 bras. It's sad. I really want more. Maybe when I get down to my ideal weight I'll go back to being a 36C. You can find bras by the gross when you're a 36C. That would be sweet!

Damn boys!

Dammit. My whole life philosophy has been changed against my will. There I was, convinced I was never going to marry, and perfectly happy with the idea. I didn't have to worry about boys any more, or whether somebody noticed me, or how I looked or anything. I was just concentrating on living a good life and being the best me for me. When I saw a cute guy, I would think, "He's cute." And the thought process would end there. No wondering if I have a chance or if my hair's messed up or anything. It was a wonderful thing. And then along comes this boy, this boy who's pretty easy on the eyes, and lots of fun to spend time with, and he asks me out. I'm like, it's cool, I'm not a nun or anything, so I go out with him, thinking I can have a little fun before we go on our separate ways, none the worse for wear. So I go out with him a few times, and then I get to where I'm thinking about him WAY more than I should be. That's bad, and I've even considered not seeing him anymore just for that. But then, Saturday at the waterpark was a church activity, so I felt a particular kinship with everybody there because we share a religion, even though I didn't know lots of them because it was for everybody that's Mormon in this entire area. I spent the entire evening floating around the lazy river because the natatorium was closed and the slides had a long line all the way to the ground. So there was this guy, also floating around the lazy river, and as the evening progressed we kept floating in approximately the same area. We both were floating by ourselves for the most part, although people I knew would come talk to me for a little while and then go on their way again. He was cute, with long brown hair and kinda pointy features, and it seemed like he kept looking at me, although I couldn't be sure because the entire place was packed. So I found myself looking at his ring finger to make sure he wasn't wearing one, and trying to decide if I should approach him and stuff like that, and then I realized what I was doing. DAMMIT. I am back in the game. DAMN DAMN DAMN. I was so happy out of the game. And I can't just go back. It's a state of mind, and you can't just flip it like a switch. Josh is right, it's just like growing your hair out. Dammit.

It was the best of times. . .

Since we met last, my life has improved vastly. There were a few of those worries in my last blog that were ACTUAL worries and some progress has been made. One of the things that I was worried about that I didn't really talk about was the fact that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go to school this fall after all. I wasn't able to get a transcript from TWU because I'm still paying them. Also, I was told by Joe that I would have to take the TASP (which is now the THEA), and I probably wouldn't be able to take it in time and would have to wait until next Semester to start classes. So I started getting a, "what's the point of going," sort of feeling. Well, I went up there and gave them my Phillips transcript and found out that some of my Phillips classes DO count for credit, which I thought wasn't the case, so I'm totally stoked about that. And, I found out that my English 4 AP, and college algebra classes exempt me from those portions of the THEA! HOORAY! I was really worried about passing the math part. Seriously. She said I would still need to take the writing part, which has always been a pretty easy thing for me. I once, in English 4 AP, passed an essay test on a book I didn't read, just by reading the back cover and the first page of the book and then talking the crap out of it, so I think I can handle a little standardized writing test. So I went to the business office to schedule my test, and found out that all the slots for the tests were full, but they still have some openings at the August 12th test in Gainesville. YAY! I can drive to Gainesville, that's not a problem! And they told me that it's ok if I can't get a transcript from TWU, all I have to do is get a letter from the collections agency saying that I've been paying, and all will be right. I can't believe how well it all went. Things never go that well for me, so I'm half way waiting for the other shoe to drop! Also, Jared text. . .texted. . .texd, I have no idea what the past tense of text is, but he did it, and it turns out his hard drive completely died and his computer's been down all week. He wasn't avoiding me after all! So we went to see Unleashed last night, which was AWESOME! Everybody go see it, it's only $2! You can't beat that deal! And then we went to his place and he played guitar for a while, and he is REALLY talented. It was really cool, and pretty hot. I never understood groupies before. And then we watched Mr Bean (the movie) which wasn't so good, but that's ok. And that's all I'm saying about that evening. :) Anyhoo. It's time for tae kwon do. I'll float to it on the fog of happiness that I'm riding until it all comes crashing down around my ears.

today is the afternoon of my discontent

Today I have been struck by a large burst of lethargy and paranoia. I really don't know where it came from, but it struck in the mid-afternoon, before that I was fine. I think it might be because I got really hot when I was doing a pick-up at work today, and then when I got back nobody was there and I spent the rest of the afternoon alone. I think it was a bad combo. So here are the things that have been illogically bothering me:

-my mom talks too damn much.
-I don't get enough human contact, except from my mom.
-my car doesn't seem like it's doing too well in this heat. I'm afraid it will die.
-Kiera's not online, she must be avoiding me. This is illogical because I know she's going out of town this weekend and might already be gone.
-Mom made dinner and it wasn't ready till after I had to leave for tae kwon do. She hates me.
-Everything sucks.
-That dentist was being nice to me, but was probably just trying to hide his disdain for me.
-my son doesn't love me enough.
-My video game has a glitch and I don't know what to do about it.
-I'm rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the phoenix, and things are about to get really bad, but I'm powerless to stop it.
-Jared hasn't been online at all this week. He's probably avoiding me because he doesn't want to go out with me again. Yesterday this didn't bother me, today it does. It's the principle more than the emotion.
-I'm not losing weight.
-My asthma is not under control, but I can't afford treatment. I've had several really bad attacks lately, even though I do 2 puffs of albuterol 20 minutes before I exercise.
-Hardly anybody responds to blogs anymore. They must not like my blog, even though it seems consistent to all the blogs.
=I got my official transcript from Phillips today, and I didn't do very well. I don't remember doing that badly.
-I have no chocolate.

-So there you have it. The list of things that have been bothering me this afternoon. The trivial, the important, the meaningless, and the conflicting-it's all there, I think. Maybe there's an underlying cause, but maybe it's just one of those days.

Rock the vote, people!

This morning I happened to pass the morning Edge while they were talking about something that I've been saying for decades, which is weird that they thought of something intelligent to say, but it was probably just a fluke. But that thing is this: it is ridiculous for the drinking age to be 21. I say, as did they, that if you are old enough and responsible enough to: live on your own, smoke cigarettes, go to war, get married, get charged as an adult for any crime you might commit, and vote for president at 18, then you are responsible enough to drink also. It all comes down to this: either you are an adult or you aren't. If you aren't old enough to drink at 18, then you shouldn't be considered an adult in all those other ways. It's illogical and inconsistent. I've heard it said that it's because people that are under 21 aren't old enough to know not to drink and drive. My response to this is: BULLSHIT. That has absolutely nothing to do with age, it has to do with stupidity and ego. I started drinking when I was 19, and I have NEVER drank and driven. (is that correct tensing?) My uncle, however, whom I believe is in his 50's, has been arrested numerous times for drinking and driving. My dad's cousin is in a wheelchair because he drove drunk, and he still does. As a matter of fact, I think the younger you are, the less likely you are to drink and drive because you've had it pounded into your head so much that it's dangerous. And if that's the problem, just get those cops that are sitting outside the clubs everynight to do random checks. Drinking and driving really has no relation to age in my mind. I'm not saying all this because I'm a college kid that wants to party. I don't drink anymore and even if I did, I'm 31, so technically I don't think they would even card me anymore. I'm saying this because I think there should be equity for the laws. I think that lawmakers should be logical and not emotional. I think that everyone that reads this should call their various legislators and representatives and be heard! I'm not, cause I don't know who mine are, and I'm pretty Gen-X about getting involved, but I definitely think you should! Power to the people!

the good, the bad, and the ugly

Last night some of my friends and I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and it was AWESOME! Very funny! Go see it, right now. I kinda want to see it again. It's that good! I'm kind of annoying, though, cause I'm the person who reads the book and then constantly compares the movie to the book. I think Josh and Dave were ready to hit me by the end of the evening. I even went and bought the book, cause I haven't read it since I was a kid, and read in the afternoon so it would be fresh in my mind while I was watching the movie. Annoying, huh? Oh well. At least I recognize my psychosis. If I hadn't read it, I would have been trying to just remember the book the whole evening and it would have marred my good time, so it's all for the best. Now for the bad news. I have another date tonight. No, no, you're right, that's a good thing for the most part, but this week I have unusual circumstances. I am a biohazard. On my last date, I had a split lip, because my lip just sometimes randomly splits for no apparent reason, and that was kinda gross. This week, it was healing nicely, and I figured it would be fine in time for any dates that might happen, but then Ethan was hugging me, and he accidentally head butted me right in the mouth. So now I have a big black blood blister right where my split lip was, and that's just disturbing. And, I'm having some killer allergies right now, despite the fact that the doctor gave me an allergy shot in June. If I didn't have the shot, I'd be calling in sick to work laying in bed all day sick, but as it is, my throat is swollen to the point where it's hard to swallow, I have a slight cough, and my lymph nodes are swollen and extremely painful. I can function, I just don't feel very great. And the size of my lymph nodes vary depending on various factors, such as sleep, nutrition, activity, etc. So I think I should cancel my date so that I, A) don't compromise my immune system even more, and B) don't come across as typhoid Margie. Josh says that I should just go and limit activities that are not healthy, so he doesn't think I've lost interest. I just don't know. I'm not running a fever, so I'm not contagious, but I don't really feel like trying to be cute and flirt right now. I dunno. I would ask for advice, but I know it might be several days before you, my dear reader, shows up to read this, so your advice would be a little late at that point. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. Wish me luck!

My fabulous week

Today is the day after my birthday, and I have had one kick ass week. As everyone that knows me even a little knows, I had two dates, which was good, and I also had my birthday, which was excellent. I have also been told by just about all of my friends that I'm pretty, which indicates to me that they seriously need to raise their standards. I got to go to Hoffbrau, which has the bestest steaks and scalloped potatoes in the whole wide world, and the the Cold Stone Creamery, which has awesome ice cream. My friends threw me a absolutely fabulous birthday party which was only marred by the presence of my most annoying friend ever. Why can't I shake this guy? My sense of loyalty is ruining my life! Anyhoo. On Sunday, my family made ribs for dinner, which I love! For my birthday I received: the most expensive watch I have ever owned, Jade Empire, which I am totally digging, Logan's Run on DVD, Earth Girls are Easy, which I watched and is funny, and has yummy yummy Jeff Goldblum and his fabulous chest, my very own copy of American Gods, which is one of the best books ever, a copy of XBox magazine with a disc full of demos, season three of Quantum Leap, mmmmm. . .Bakulicious, 7 chocolate cupcakes with cherries on top, a box of fancy cookies, and couple of frosted cookies, and a cookbook. Man, what a haul! I broke my 8 year streak of nunnery, found out that apparently I'm still at least somewhat attractive to the opposite sex, got to see Julianna, whom I haven't seen in, like, a year, and Mary, whom I don't see nearly enough of, found out that my friends love me, and got to eat delicious Nutella! mmmmm, nutella. Yep. Life is pretty good. I shoulda gotten old YEARS ago, it's really working out for me!

oh, sonny boy!

I have really been enjoying my Ethan vacation. I know that seems horrible, but ya' know, I like having a life sometimes, too. I love Ethan, and I miss him, but not as much as my mom does. She's very, very clingy. I remember when I was younger, and I would say that if I ever had kids that I wouldn't mind if they had their own life and I wouldn't want them to be with me all the time, and people, especially my mom, would say, "Oh, just wait, it'll change when you actually HAVE kids, you'll feel differently!" But I don't. I don't mind being away from my child for weeks at a time. When he was younger it bothered me to be away from him for like, over a day, but now that he's older, and he WANTS to live with his dad for a while, I really don't have a problem with that. I guess the thing is, I want my child to be happy and independent, not smothered and codependent. To me, I'm a successful parent if my child grows up, is mostly happy, gets an education, leaves home, gets a good job, is moderately successful, and lives a good life. I don't feel a need to vicariously live through him, or for him to be my best friend. Some would say all this makes me a callous, uncaring parent. I say it makes me a rational and loving parent. Who's to judge, other than child protective services?

My so called date

Well, my "date" has come and gone. And he busted not a single move. I began to get a clue that he wouldn't when we stopped at Racetrac to get drinks before the fireworks started and he came with me to the fountain, and then while I was getting a fountain drink, got a canned tea, went and paid for it and went and waited for me by the door. Maybe I misinterpereted his intentions. I could've sworn they were impure. But we had a good time chillin. In the old days I would have been upset about this, but the new Margie takes it all in stride. It's cool. And here's the kicker. He's on instant messenger telling me he almost went for it. Damn it. He was looking really good tonight, too. Oh well.

my Friday night

So last night was my first real date since 1997! And he cancelled. Don't cry for me, I'm cool with it. He tried to reschedule for Sunday and I said I don't do stuff on Sunday and for him to just call me sometime. The fact of the matter is, I have no plans on spending the rest of my life with this guy, I was just using him for a date. Don't cry for him, either, this is a guy that dumped a girl he thought was really cool and great after 2 dates because she "still" hadn't slept with him. She managed to hold out for 2 whole evenings, far more than the girls he USUALLY dates. But, being a prideful creature, I didn't want him to catch me online, so I immediately called Mike. He, Angela, Breck and I got together, and I found myself going to see War of the Worlds, thanks to group persuasion. When I said I didn't have enough money, Breck said she'd pay for me, so how can you argue with that? So, War of the Worlds. hmmmm. . .you might like it, don't let me keep you from it. Mike LOVED it. I thought it was; boring, cliche, and long. And it was loud and gave me a headache. Maybe if it was about 30 minutes shorter I would have liked it. But the fact of the matter is, I kept checking my watch, and that's not a good sign. After I walked out, I was ready to say, "I guess that movie was okay," and happily move on with my life, but, since Mike loved it, there was to come an hour of critique and recap. Some fun. And think that's what really ended it for me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't like it before, that just made the feeling more distinct. But I did get to see the preview for The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and it looks pretty durn sweet. Much better effects than the one I saw some years ago. I loved that book as a kid, maybe I should reread it before the movie comes out. I also want to reread War of the Worlds, cause people keep asking me how close it is to the book, and I read it 15 years ago, so it's a little hazy in my mind. Anyhoo. I HAVE to take mom to Sam's now, instead of going to Kiera's like I planned (see previous entry), so I better get dressed.

steele trap

My mom is very demanding and grasping. Every since Ethan was born, she has managed to keep me in the house because she would only babysit at certain times and for certain reason, and that is her right. She didn't have a baby, I did, and it's fine if she doesn't want to be a full time mother. I could go out with him, but, quite frankly, I wouldn't have any fun that way. So now that Ethan has gone out of town for two weeks, I was looking forward to some away time. I was trying to make plans for Friday during the day, and my mom said wistfully, "You're going out? I hope we don't NEED you for anything." You see, dad's eye surgery was Thursday, and mom was implying that they might need me to drive them around or wait on dad hand and foot or something. I knew it wouldn't take her long to find some other way to keep me home now that she doesn't have the Ethan excuse. And the thing that sucks, is I know what her next tactic will be already. You see, I'm really broke right now, and I owe her a tidy sum of money. My next paycheck is going to be small, and I might not have enough for all my bills, let alone paying her back. And so when I go out, she'll say, "How do you have money for gas?" If I choose to pay her and not save money for gas, I'm then trapped. She will have me stuck here again. My only consolation is that Ethan is going to be gone for the next year, so I know at some point I will have money and free time at the same time. It's a dream I dare to dream. I will keep hope alive!

call me Veruca Salts

I finished season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer last night. It was good. The next to last episode, in which a girl becomes invisible because no one notices her, made me think. In that episode, Cordelia makes the point several times that she is the center on her universe, which is no surprise. It was really quite amazing to see how she could change any situation into a tragedy for her, no matter who else was affected. And her criticism of the literature in class was further evidence to her extreme self centeredness. Now, of course, she is an exaggeration, but it made me wonder how much I and those around me do the same thing, to a far lesser degree. Is it truly possible to ever really see the other person's point of view, even if you try? I can think of several times in my life when I was trying to lend a sympathetic shoulder to a friend and I thought I understood where they were coming from and why they were upset, only to find out that they were upset for a completely different reason. It makes you think. I wonder how self centered I appear to be. And that was a rhetorical statement. I think there's an important lesson to be learned here. No matter how hard we try, we can never understand anyone else, so why try? Look out for number 1, baby! :)

email list

Ok, so, I'm Mormon, right? Well, there are subcatagories of Mormon. Like there's a group for kids called Primary, and one for Women called Relief Society, and so on and so forth. Well, when you get to be an adult, if you don't get married right away, you become a "young single adult." Seriously. There's activities and special meeting times and everything. Well, they used to have problems with the really creepy older single guys hitting on the hot 18 year olds, so they made a category called "single adults." Notice the absence of the word "young." It's for people who are Mormon and single between the ages of 30 and dead. They go to church with the regular family type mormons, at least in this area they do, and they have activities at other times. So when I was nearing 30 and saw that all the young single guys were approximately 7-12 years younger than me, I started to look forward to the ability to attend single adult activities so that I could meet people that shared my maturity, single parent status, and interests and so forth. Mostly men. So, I turned 30. I signed up for the emails. I went to my first activity. I found out that just about everyone there was silver haired. If they weren't silver haired, there was a definite reason they were still single. I'm not saying I'm the catch of the day, but I'm not, say, retarded. Literally. And I, well, have teeth rather than blackened stumps were they should be. And I can carry on a conversation and pick up on subtle social situations, like when the person doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Later in the evening, a few eligible prospects showed up, and they also had major flaws. Because the ratio of single women in the church to single men in the church isn't in my favor, they realized they were shooting fish in a barrel. They were pretty much all egotistical ass holes. So, I tried one more activity to be sure, and then retired from the field. I stayed on the email list, however, so I could be up on things. Like, if they sent out an email saying, "we're having a movie night for all 30 something single parents who aren't horrible mutants or deviants," I might think about going. It also helps when people ambush me at church and ask if I'm going to an activity. I can say things like, "No, I can't. It's the night that I'm having my eyeballs removed," instead of having to ask for all the details, listen to the spiel, and then have to think of an excuse on the spot. But the problem is that the emails are not just for the people in this area, it's about ALL the activities for the ENTIRE STATE. And Texas is freakin' huge. I've gotten as many as 14 emails in one day before. It's ridiculous. It's worse than spam, because when I delete spam, I don't get guilt that I'm failing in my Mormonish duties or some crap. It's not even that, it's that the single adult reps are 1) my son's paternal grandmother, and I always feel like I'm disappointing her when I don't go, and 2) this 50-something guy at church who's really nice, but seems to take it so hard that I won't go to his activities. I've come this close to asking them to take me off the list, but I can't seem to go through with it. It sucks, and it's bringing me down. I think deleting my profile from LDSsingles.com will make me feel better. Yay! I'm being proactive!

I want money. It's what I want.

We recently sent out mailers to try to get more business at work, since right now we have so little work that we are only working 3-4 days a week. They decided when they sent out the mailers, to boost the price by about $70, which is almost double, which means we would only need to do half the work we're doing now to make the same amount of money, and if we do the same work we're doing now, we'll make double the money, which is good. My boss said yesterday that he's tired of going through plaster bench people, so he thinks instead of trying to get lots of accounts and hire more people, he wants to just get as much work as the three of us can handle. AND, he said as soon as we secure 2 accounts, he's going to go ahead and give me a $2/hr raise without waiting for my next review in September. Which I REALLY like. Of course, I will have to do some plaster bench work, and maybe some odd jobs sometimes, but, hey, more money is more money. And he said when they get all the current accounts worked up to a higher price, he's gonna put me on salary and then if I only need to work three days, I still get the same pay. I must say, that makes me a little nervous, but you have to take anything Rene says with a grain of salt, so I'll cross that bridge if it ever gets built. But going back to the raise, which I AM counting before it's hatched, if I get it, and work 40 hrs a week, I figured out that I can pay everything I'm paying now, plus some things I'm not, like phone and child support, and I'm even counting gas and insurance and tae kwon do here, I can pay all that, and still have almost $600 a month left over! I still won't be able to move out just yet, but I can start saving a pretty good amount at least! I feel like I just won the very small lottery! YAY! Hooray for money!

my misspent youth may rest in peace

I've been annoyed lately by people who don't update their blogs often enough (this means YOU!), so I decided I should update, even though I have absolutely nothing to say. I missed tae kwon do last night, cause I'm dumb and can't read a calendar. I've been kind stressed out lately, but not nearly as much as some of the other people I know. Also, after consulting my calendar, which I apparently guarantee no results from, I think my bad mood might be from internal sources, if you know what I mean. I've decided to try downloading some music, and it sucks. I hate having to wait and having it screw up and stuff. I'd almost rather just dish out the cash for a CD. My birthday's coming up, and I'm a little excited. I'll no longer be 30, I'll be 31, and firmly entrenched in spinster-hood. I kinda feel like the pressures off. I no longer need to look go, or worry about what people think about me, cause now I'm old enough that they're going to write me off no matter what I do. Sure, it's a bonus if I look great and do and say normal things, but it's no longer mandatory. I can buy gardening gloves and a large straw hat and wear them with abandon. And anyone that doesn't like it can kiss my ass. I'm not going to, but that's not the point, now is it?

Spare the rod. . .

This week was cub scout camp, which meant than do to my over developed sense of obligation and duty, I had to volunteer to be a walker. I waited until very late hoping that all the spots would have been filled already, but when I asked, she said, "Yes! We really need someone for Thursday!" Damn. So I got to walk with Ethan, John Austin, and Austin. Which was confusing to say the least. The big problem was that. . .well. . .you know Ethan, right? Well, he was the best behaved of the three. Yeah. John Austin has a brother and a sister, and every week at church I sit a wonder how their parents are apparently raising them without ANY discipline whatsoever. They are TERRIBLE. They run all over the place and do what ever they want, and if their parents or grandparents say anything, the kids smack them. Seriously, I've seen it. The authority figure in question then decides that is good behavior to ignore. I don't think so! My child would be unable to sit for a while in that situation! I'm not a big fan of the old fashioned spanking, but there's a time and a place, ya know? And Austin, I've never actually seen at church, but he's apparently being raised by his Grandmother. And kids raise by grandma are always brats. This kid is 9 and has a cell phone. In general these guys weren't that bad, except for their tendency to wander off without asking first. So I'd turn around and they would be gone. Finally one time after I had to send Ethan down the hiking trail to find them after 5 minutes, he brought them back and John Austin told me Austin said they could go. I said, "Is Austin an adult? Is he in charge?" "No," was the reply, so I told him from now on he needed to ask an adult for permission. Then I gave Austin quite a ribbing. I told him he wasn't allowed to wander off without permission, I had no idea where they were and they could of gotten hurt and I wouldn't even know where to look for them, and so on and so forth. I made him LOOK at me and say he understood. It was short and to the point. I didn't even yell. But as I was walking away I heard him say in his hurt voice, "She's mean." Oh, Austin my boy, you have NO idea.

no pain, no. . .how's that go, again?

I hurt. I went to Tae Kwon Do today, and it was going pretty well, even though I really didn't feel like eI brought my A-game. And then at the end, he said we had to pair up and hold each other's feet for 20 sit ups apiece! YAY! The only problem is. . .I can't do twenty sit ups. I can barely do 15 crunches. Although I do two sets of 15 crunches, so I guess that's not actually true. but anyway. So I get to around 13 and I'm to the point where I'm getting about 4 inches of the ground before my body stops moving, and I collapse and think that I am done. But by this time, everyone else was done, and they all start cheering for me. Damn. I can't withstand that kind of pressure. So I try to do more. I even have to get my arms into the action instead of keeping them neatly behind my head. By the time I get to twenty, I'm probably getting 1/4 of the way up, but everyone seems to think this is the greatest thing ever. So they cheer like mad, I get up, and Mr Rhyne does a speech about how great it is that we help each other out, and rewards the people who led the cheering with a black belt attitude tape, which is required to advance, and he rewards me with one also, for not giving up. So, I got rewarded for being a lame-ass wussy. YAY! Now I'm still shaking and my muscles hurt. Oh well. It'll hopefully pay off in the long run. Unless I die. But the good news is. . .I'm going to be an auntie!

Random thoughts

Tomorrow, I start tae kwon do. I am very excited to learn skills that might make me into a killing machine. :) Ethan's leaving soon for his two week stint. I have been feeling very sad a depressed lately, but I'm starting to feel better. I managed to clean the living room, which it needed badly, and it made me feel better. I need to finish the bathroom and clean my room, too. Today at work we got a call from a dentist that advertises on the radio. He's trying our lab. I feel like I've had a brush with a celebrity. A week ago, I had a fight with my mom, because she made me a lunch that had bell peppers all in it, when she knows I hate peppers. She got really angry because she said it was really hard to come up with lunches for me everyday that I would like, and I told her she didn't have to. She then got more angry because she feels guilty if she doesn't take care of me. I told her that if she didn't feel like she had to buy my love, it wouldn't bother her. She said she would never make lunch for me again, and she hasn't. I'm glad. I feel sad sometimes when I think of all the friends I've had in my life that were so important to me, who apparently didn't care enough about me to stay in contact. I still think of some of them even though it's been years. Some days I think I should move away from here and start over. I can't though. I wish my air conditioner worked. My aunt's been here for 2 days. It's ok, but I feel like I can't use my own living room when she's here. Tonight I was happy because they showed the one Smallville that I really wanted to see last season, but missed when it originally aired. My boss didn't really chat with me for a long time after he fired Josh, but now he's apparently decided I'm all right again. Today he came and sat in the plaster room and just started talking. Fortunately, I really didn't have to pay attention. He doesn't want friends, he wants yes-men. I agreed to be a walker for cub scout camp, but I really don't want to do it. More so, I think I won't be good at it. I'm very worried about it. Camp's next week, so I really don't think I can do anything to change the situation. Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother taking classes while Ethan's gone. I'm not going to be able to get a degree while he's gone, so I kinda wonder what the point of taking a few classes now is when I won't be able to go back again for years, or maybe decades. Maybe I should accept my lot in life and just resign myself to making teeth. It pays really well, so that's a bonus. I don't like it when my mom and aunt speak so frankly about their childhood. Why do they have to make the rest of us feel uncomfortable to be happy? I want to travel, but I don't think I ever will. I should really learn how to type.

Guys that I think are hot

I have decided that I should compile a list of guys from tv or movies that I find or used to find hot. I will list them by name if I know it, or character name if I don't know the real one. I will then list the movie or show that I think has them at their hottest. Feel free to list anyone you think I missed, or to offer corrections.

-Johnny Depp-or "My Future Husband"-Chocolat
-Scott Bakula-Quantum Leap-especially the episode where he was a cowboy entitled "How the Tess Was Won"
-Cary Grant-He's was ALWAYS hot
-Harrison Ford-Indiana Jones is VERY Hot, but I have to go with Han Solo in Star Wars episode 4. It's the thigh strap on his holster that pushes him over the top.
-Brenden Fraiser-I liked him in Encino Man, George of the Jungle, and Gods and Monsters, but his peak is Mrs. Winterbourne
-Val Kilmer-Willow-You ARE great! He was also super-fine in The Doors
-Mel Gibson-Braveheart
-Burt Lancaster-The Crimson Pirate
-Orlando Bloom-Lord of The Rings
-Orlando Jones-Evolution
-Denzel Washington-The Pelican Brief
-Jet Li-I've never actually seen any of his movies. I just think he's hot.
-Patrick Stewart-Stark Trek TNG
-Leonard Nimoy-Star Trek
-Sean Connery-007 movies
-Allen Cummings-he's a character actor, so it's hard to pick one, but I first noticed him in Spy Kids
-Logan from Dark Angel
-Jensen Ackles-Smallville
-Trapper from Mash (not Hawkeye-he's a jerk with greasy hair)
-The men of CSI -the one with the nice jaw
-the black guy with grey eyes
-the one with spikey hair
-even Grissom-before the beard
-Jeff Goldbloom-Independence Day
-Will Smith-Independence Day
-LL Cool J-I didn't think I had seen any of his movies, but apparently he played Mr. Jones in Charlie's Angels. Uh. . .little help?
-Hugh Laurie-House-that's right, I said it.
-Tony Curtis-Operation Petticoat-those eyes, those sneaky ways, AND a uniform!
-Juaquim Pheonix-Quills-Horrible movie, HOT priest. He's single handedly responsible for my sick obsession with priests in robes.
-Keanu Reeves-The Matrix
-The captain on Firefly-it's the thigh strap
-The Doctor on Firefly
-Jared on the Pretender
-Antonio Banderas-Desperado
-Kevin Sorbo-Andromeda
-Joxer from Xena Warrior Princess
-Aries from Xena Warrion Princess
-Goran Visjnic-ER
-Noah Wylie-ER
-George Cloony-Ocean's 11-bet you thought I was going to say ER, didn't you?
-Brad Pitt-Ocean's 11
-Edward Norton-American History X-take away the bigotry and the Nazi tats, and he's pretty damn hot. Of course, he is a priest in Keeping the Faith. . .
-Turkish from Snatch
-Ty Pennington-Trading Spaces-Now he's become a caricature, so he's not so hot these days.

I feel sure I've missed somebody somewhere, but this list can't go on forever. I'll probably add to it as time goes by. For now, this will just have to do.

I come not to bury Whedon, but to praise him

I was never a Buffy-ite like all my friends. I wasn't able to watch for most of the run, cause I had a young child who shouldn't have been watching such violent and supernatural fare, and my mother strongly disapproved of the show, so if I tried to watch it and let my son play by himself she would get that look that she gets, or she would yell at me, which is much harder to ignore. So I never really got to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer until about the last year and a half. And I liked it. I then started watching Angel. And I liked that, too. But I really didn't like them to the point of ardent fanatic status or anything like that. And ALL of my friends really seem to be at that point. I thought I just didn't get it, like always, and let it go. But over the years, as my friends constantly quote and reference Buffy, I started to feel like I really needed to be brought up to speed on the situation, or risk being left behind for the rest of my life! So, when I saw Buffy, season one, on sale for a mere fifteen dollars, I decided that it was a must have. So I bought it, and a few weeks later I started watching. I have watched the first disk. The first four episodes. They are SO GOOD! Seriously. The end of the series has nothin' on the beginning. They all look so young! And they are so funny! Zander isn't whiney and annoying! Buffy's not constantly falling into a funk! Willows so cute and not wielding phenomenal cosmic powers! Giles isn't plotting and conspiring! And Angel! I really didn't know he was in from day 1. I thought he came along later. He's cute! And not brooding! I can now see why Buffy liked him. That is quality entertainment my friends. I wonder what's going to happen when I have to pay full price for the rest of the seasons. Suck!

Hot as Hell

Oh my gosh. It was so fucking hot today. I was dripping sweat everytime I stepped out of the car. What's up with that? I don't remember it being this hot this early before. Maybe I'm just getting old and the memory is going, or maybe it actually hotter and more humid than it usually is. I have no idea. But it's kicking my ass. The exploder doesn't have air conditioning. I could get it fixed, but the compressor is bad and can't be fixed. Seriously, that design is bad, and we've replaced it about 3 times. No good. It'll cool for up to 2 months and then stop cooling. So maybe I could trick some shop into filling it with coolant for $150 dollars, and then be cool for about 2 months. Some days, it totally seems worth it. I currently live in Hell, and there is no hope of respite until September. I think I'll go start trying to get the pool set up.

XBox 360

So I've only read the first few paragraphs about the XBox 360 in my Game Informer, and I've already got a total proverbial hard-on for it. I never get excited about new systems. I usually scope out the scene to see who's gonna have games I'll like, wait till they come down to $100 or less, and then buy them and all the used games I can afford. But I really, really love my XBox. And if the new one has better graphics, wireless controllers, better hardware, and looks damn classy and pretty, then how can I resist? Plus I heard a rumor that Fallout 3 is gonna be on XBox 360, but after looking around the web, I can't seem to substantiate this, so I guess it really shouldn't have any bearings on my desire. I really hate exclusive games, though. I already have a XBox and a gamcube, but now my brain has been infected with Katamari Damacy, and it won't go away. I've been trying to convince my mom she needs a PS2 so that I can play the game without having to buy ANOTHER system. Damn you, cute and odd Japanese game! It's the music that really sucks you in. But anyhoo-back to the subject at hand. I've always been a loyal Nintendo fan, but it seems that they aren't really on the ball these days. It's still good for simple games for my son and his friends. Or for getting my Mario fix, but now that I've gone XBox, Nintendo pales in comparison. I've never felt the need to be a playstationeer, because they mostly do driving games and shooters, which aren't my style. And I just can't let the new wave pass me by! So I guess I'll gonna be screwed by Microsoft some more and have to pony up the cash. I haven't heard the price, yet, but I'm sure it'll be more than I should spend. Maybe I should start saving now. *sigh* Stupid addictions.

*sigh*

Back up to 230. It's my fallback weight. Suck.

losing and don't know why

224! I don't know why, I've been eating like a pig!

Things I love

-people who "get" me
-when I think I won't like someone and I'm forced into something with them and it turns out they are cool
-when complete strangers who talk to me in public turn out to be extremely interesting, for a change
-when people see me trying to load or unload mom's wheelchair and they offer help. It gives me hope for mankind's future.
-Hard core thunderstorms
-Summer sprinkles
-the ocean
-the way light glitters on the water
-little tiny dogs with huge ears
-pudgy babies
-those trees with whitish silver bark and little round leaves that are silvery white on back and green on front and when the wind blows it looks like the tree is shimmering
-when trees grow together over the road and make a tunnel
-when ivy grows all over a building
-butterflies
-those water misters they put in at the zoo and six flags
-corn on the cob
-chocolate
-baking things
-the smell of bread
-doing something really well
-men who wear cologne
-having such a good time I stop worrying about whether something I say will freak people out or offend them
-reading a good book
-really crappy escapism TV shows, liked Charmed or Xena Warrior Princess
-really good TV shows, like House or Firefly
-really crappy escapism movies, like Gidget Goes Hawaiian or Lover Come Back
-really good movies, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or The Shawshank Redemption
-doodling
-when Ethan's being really sweet
-when my room is clean
-playing a good video game without time constrictions
-naan
-hummus
-the great avocado
-sleeping in
-staying up late
-driving fast
-belonging
-having money
-getting email letter from old friends
-creme brulee
-when the ducks and chickens from across the street hang out in my yard

rated NC-17

So Josh gets upset with me because he thinks I obsess way to much about men and getting married. It's been bugging me, so I thought about it, and I think it's normal that I do. And here's why. I'm SO. FUCKING. HORNY. Seriously. When I was in my youth, people told me that women have their sexual peak at thirty, and I was like, right, no fucking way can I get more horny than I am now. RIGHT. Dear lord. So here I am at thirty. Peaking. And I'm missing it. Cause I'm abstinent. Until I get married. Which is obviously not happening any time soon. My peak is passing me by. I eat, drink and breathe sex, but not in a literal sense, cause I can't. I think if I even had the prospect of sex I would feel better about it. But no one wants me. The last guy that made a serious attempt at me was in 1998. I know I say that a lot, but I don't think most people can really grasp how long a time that is. Some times I accept the inevitable and concentrate on being a mom and on improving myself, but then I see a hot guy or some guy is nice to me, and there my little hormones go, foraging off on their own again. I know I've said it before, but I hear guys think of sex every seven seconds. To which I reply, that's it?

thinner

I know it's not my weigh in day, but this morning I was at 228! I FINALLY broke the 230 barrier! Hooray!

Love me or leave me

I've been told that when I get all down and dark I'm a little off putting and it makes people feel awkward, so if you can't handle the real me, you better skip this one. I watched House last night, and Cameron getting a date with House made me very happy. I mean very irrationally over the top happy. So I wondered to myself why I was so excited at the prospect of two imaginary people on a TV show getting together, and my inner little arm chair psychologist was able to figure it out. On the one hand, you have House, who's a crabby, cranky, smart aleck, bitter jerk. On the other hand, you have Cameron, who's a smart girl with a huge crush on a guy she'll probably never get. It's not hard to see that I obviously see myself in both characters. I mean, I'm a cranky, crabby, smart aleck, bitchy jerk. Maybe a little bitter, too. I'm also a smart girl, and I'm a serial crush on guy I can't have type. Seriously. If you put a guy in front of me and make it plain that I can't have him, I will instantly become absolutely obsessed and have a secret crush on the guy for up to several years. I don't have one right now, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. So, if House and Cameron get together, it's like I get to love myself. Uhhh. . .I didn't mean that the way it sounded. My inner Beavis is having a fit right now. So after I got my Freud on, I was pleased for about 30 seconds, until I realized, oh yeah, I'll still be alone, and always will be. Cause in real life, people like House and me don't find love. Not that I'm that much like House, I could only dream of being that cruel and brilliant. But still, he's a guy and women are much more forgiving of horrible character flaws than men. And even if someone like House or myself could find someone willing to look past our initial brutal behavior, they would find out that it was actually just the tip of the iceberg and then they'd get fed up and leave. So then I was depressed all day. *sigh* Josh is going to say that this is a self fulfilling prophecy, and that by saying I'll never find love because I'm difficult and moody, I will cause myself to never find love, but oh fucking well. I've tried being nice and easy to get along with, but quite frankly, that's just not me. I really have tried. I get even more cranky and end up blowing up way worse and being an even more rampant crazy person for several days. And people seem to think I'm boring when I'm nice. So there's obviously no solution. I've come to terms with the fact that I will be celibate for the rest of my life. I should buy flannel pajamas and go get some cats from the pound.

you're the one for me, fatty

Today I weigh 230. Which isn't 2 lbs less, but it is 10 lbs less than yesterday when I weight 240. Being a girl sucks.

Pink is the colour of my rage

I keep thinking of more and more things I hate. Is this a bad sign? I think I have alot of hate. Maybe I should worry.