blog-o-therapy

It was recently pointed out to me that I am only interested in guys that are unavailable. This got me thinking. Why is this? hmmm. Well, I've come up with some explanations, and I shall cover them now. By the end of this, you'll probably be thinking that I think way too much, but short of a lobotomy or heavy intoxication, I'm not stopping, so it's just too damn bad. To begin, we have to go way back to my childhood. I hate people who blame everything on their parents rather than taking responsibility for their lives, but, well. . .it's my parents' fault. My parents have been telling me all my life in various ways that I'm not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, whatever suits the occasion. It's usually been subtle and backhanded, but it's sometimes even been plainly stated enough for anyone to understand. A few months ago, my friend Mike reminded me that way back when we were 21, he recorded some of our phone calls for use in an art project. He recently found one of the tapes and started listening to it, and he wanted me to hear it, so he played it for me. On this tape, I heard myself saying that my mom had recently told me that I was lazy, mean, worthless, and a bitch, and that she wasn't surprised that I didn't have any friends because I didn't care about anybody but myself. That wasn't all I said, but that's all I can recall off the top of my head. After we listened to the tape, Mike said that the most horrible thing about it was how resigned and matter of fact I sounded while saying all that. I told him that of course I was matter of fact, my mom has been saying things like that to me my entire life. He was, appropriately, appalled. Also, from the third grade to the ninth grade, I was the emotional punching bag for the kids at school. They called me various nicknames, the foremost one being Magpie, cause Magpies are ugly dirty birds, according to them, and they told all the "you're so ugly jokes" about me. These things took place especially in those important prepubescent years, their taunts grew more sophisticated as we got older. So, my inner dialogue is, in essence, a combination of those kids and my mother. I have tried to change this. I have tried different things trying to be good enough, but I always fail because my standards will always be one step higher than what I am able to do. I tell myself I am good enough and smart enough and pretty enough, but deep down, I just don't believe it. So I avoid situations that will prove to me there is something wrong with me. Which brings me to dating. I cannot believe that I am lovable and desirable, except for sexually, cause that's the only thing my mother has never been able to criticize me for, and I am quite good at it if I say so myself. When I am attracted to a guy, it all comes down to whether he wants me back. When a guy that is unavailable rejects me, I can make it his fault; oh, he was already with her, if he had just met me first, oh, he's far too young, he's not READY yet, oh, he's emotionally unavailable, he can't love or anybody else. But when I like a guy who isn't unavailable, and it does happen occasionally, and he doesn't like me back, what can I say? Then it goes right back to the fact that I'm not good enough in some way. And, quite frankly, I can't handle that. For a while I was truly happy. I had settled down to the fact that I would be alone forever, and I was able to concentrate on me. It was the happiest time of my life. But then a boy asked me out, and I experienced the highs of courtship, to be followed weekly by the crushing lows of self doubt. And my self doubts are crushing indeed. I don't like feeling that way. Some people say, better to take the chance or dance the dance or whatever, but in my case I don't think that's true. I think I prefer the monotonous drone of contentedness to the roller coaster. So stick a fork in me. I'm done. Maybe I'll try for one more make out session, but that's the end of the line. I'm just not stable enough to be with someone. Period. I guess I just gotta be me.