Sunday, August 28, 2005
I'm detecting a pattern in my life
Today was an unusual kind of day. I got up and got dressed. I think I looked pretty good, too. I had breakfast and went to church. I worked in the library and went to class. People were especially friendly today. Lots of people chatted with me in an especially friendly and close way, although none of them commented on how I looked. Evelyn asked me to sit by a new convert in Relief Society, which I couldn't do because the lady was sitting smack in the middle of the room and I need to sneak out early to go back to the library, but it usually makes me feel good when people single me out for responsibility. I sat, instead, next to Angela Vincent, whom I get along really well with, and Jennifer Churchwell, whom I don't know very well, but we seem pretty simpatico. In my free time in the library, I wrote a letter to Ethan. The Meza's spoke in sacrament, and I really love their accent. I sat by Brad John and his wife, both of whom I really like. The third of my three visiting teachees told me today, with seeming sincerity and pleasure, that I am the best visiting teacher she's ever had. The other two told me this on Friday. All in all, this seems like a perfect day at church. But for the entire three hours I felt utterly and entirely alone and empty. I don't know why. All the ingredients are there for a good day. Nothing bad happened. From all appearances and the reactions of others I was interesting and friendly, but it was all a facade. I wonder why. Maybe I was just missing Ethan, as this was my first Sunday without him. Maybe I am just an automaton, devoid of real emotion except when I can trick myself into imagining it. Why am I so freaking high maintainence emotionally? Why can't I just be normal? It's kinda starting to piss me off. After church I went to Kiera and Patrick's for dinner, which was deliciouso, and we watched The Wedding Singer, which was good. I had fun there, so maybe I'm not a freak. There's no way to tell, really. I start school tomorrow, and I'm waiting to see how that goes. I think the alternator is out on my car and I have no way or time to get it fixed. WHY?!? OH WHY?!?
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7 comments:
Maybe you just don't like church? Or you might be a seething cauldron of repressed emotion each struggling to be felt. It's a toss up.
Well darn. I was going to be COMPLETELY candid in my next post because I was certain noone reads my blog any more. Now I have to go back to censoring myself. :) I don't think I hate church. I think it's the second one.
you really should write some poetry .you'd have some good stuff i think. it would probably be cathartic as well.
The first poem is free. Then Cainnum will have to start charging.
Sorry, kids, I ain't writing no poetry. I paint instead. Except I haven't been due to lack of space and time. Maybe that's why I'm so damn angsty all the time.
Your hair looked good on Sunday...I thought of saying that then realized I say that every time you do your hair that way and refrained...I did say I liked your skirt and your necklace though...so see someone said you looked nice! ;)
Thanks! And you know, you telling me my hair looked good might have changed my whole day! It's like that episode of Touched By An Angel where Monica was rude to someone and it cascaded and. . .wait, I'm talking about Touched By An Angel. Moving on.
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