I haven't signed into myspace in a while, but I got an email saying that I had a new comment, so I went to see what it was. It was crap from a stupid girl I know, but I saw that Jared (whom I can't seem to take off my friends list) has a new picture. So, like a crack addict in the ghetto, I was drawn to his profile. I couldn't keep myself from clicking on his picture. And when I got to his profile, I saw that he had put a new blog entry up yesterday. Of course I had to read it. This is what is said:
"Cristina's mad at me right now. She looks like she could cut me up into little pieces at the moment. She's so afraid that I dont love her or that I want someone else. Someone who's not "fat and ugly". Thats not the case though. I think she's beautiful, and I do love her. I've never thought she was ugly or fat. She's just pregnant. Of course I dont mention anything regarding mood swings or she puts a Xena neck pinch move on me. She's ornery like that.
I guess the reason I'm posting this blog is to try my best to indicate to her that I dont desire anyone else. I know she will be reading this soon. So when you read this Cristina, know that I love you. I've made mistakes in my past with you, but thats over and done with. I want to forget that and move on to something better. a future that involves us and with nothing but happiness. I know thats what you want, and I know thats what you'll fight to get.
So........forgive me? I promise there was no malicious intent. It was purely innocent. No one could replace you. I love you. :-)"
So, I guess that I'm the mistakes that he wants to move on from. I know that he might not even have been referring to me, but I couldn't help myself. I sent him a message saying exactly that ("So, I guess I'm the mistakes you talk about in your blog."). Followed simply by the word, "Thanks." Man I'm psychotic. I hate being me. I hate being obsessive. I hate that I can't seem to fucking get over him despite the fact that I really really fucking want to. I want to scream and hit things. I want to run away. I want to cry till I have no tears left. But I can't because I'm an introvert and I bottle all of this up and turn it into cranky. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK. I FUCKING HATE THIS. WHY WHY WHY WHY CAN'T I EVER EVER EVER LOVE SOMEONE THAT CAN POSSIBLY LOVE ME BACK. I hate him. I hate me. I fucking hate all of fucking everything. And I fucking hate that I fucking still feel this way. He's an fucking asshole that obviously doesn't want me. I hate myself for fucking still being hurt. And I wish that my fucking brothers could fucking lay off making fun of me for one fucking day because I don't think they understand the extent of fucking self loathing I am filled with for fucking feeling this way. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I think it's great if he wants to fucking marry the pregnant slut that he started fucking while he was still FUCKING dating me and telling me fucking lies (about how he wasn't fucking anyone) and then left for me and then fucking left me for her a-fuckin-gain. I think that families should be together if they can be. So why the FUCK can't I fucking stop all these fucking feelings. Fucking hell.
Lawrence didn't kiss me. He decided to wait until the third date. And you know what they say, the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Lawrence is nice and treats me really well. I hope I fall for him.
5 comments:
Wow that Jared sounds like a real jackass. You should feel sorry for the mother of his child, since she's more or less stuck with him for the rest of her life. He tells her that he loves her, but he also told you something to the contrary a few weeks ago, didn't he? He's just a jerk. He sure as hell isn't worth you getting that upset over.
I very conscientiously do not make fun of you nor do I give you a hard time about your emotions. Although every relationship is unique and all of that jazz; I've had similiar experiences, and I understand the ineffable, mulifaceted, consuming misery. Just remember, when it seems like you have nothing, you still have friends who care about you. ...I know it's not as good as Amanda Hugginkiss, but at least we're funny sometimes. :)
I'm sorry Jared is such a stupid little boy playing at being a man. Hopefully Lawrence is the real thing. *hugs*
Oh, Margie hon, I'm sorry. This is why we say men are pigs. Because most of them really are. And they make a lot of us feel this way, because of their blatant disregard for others' feelings.
He sounds extremely immature. You're too good for him. I know hearing this now doesn't help alleviate the pain, but time will. And hopefully Lawrence will make his move soon.
it really hurts me to see you like this. if i ever met jared you can bet i would not be nice to him. stick w/ lawrence, get to know him. hopefully he'll be way nicer than jared. *big hugs*
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