Muller, Muller

First, I want to say, today at Target, I was wearing my new clothes that actually fit, and my hair was down and straight, and I actually saw a guy do a double take to look at me. That warms the cockles of this old girl's heart to see.

Now back to the main storyline.

I am a muller. I mull things over. When something strange happens to me, or when someone tells me something about myself, or when I'm thinking about changing something about myself, I have to have time to process before I feel ready to share with anyone. Sometimes it's a few hours. Sometimes it's days. It can even be months. For instance; if I say to you, "I'm thinking about dying my hair magenta." That means this idea has not just occurred to me right then. I've probably been thinking about it for quite a long time, and I finally feel ready to test the waters and see how others react to the idea. (I am not thinking about dying my hair magenta, for the record, I'm quite pleased with black. I think I'll stick with it for a while.) So you can be pretty sure that anytime one of my sentences starts with the words, "I've been thinking," this is not a off the cuff sort of thing. So on that note, I've been thinking about something that happened earlier this week.

Monday at work, there was a knock at the door and Rene answered it and I heard him and a man talking, so I just went on working, not thinking a thing about it. After a while, Rene came back to the room I was working in and said, "You have a visitor." I said, "Oh? Who is," and just then Jared walks through the door.

Wow, that was weird. When I typed the name Jared, I heard a collective sigh of annoyance from everyone I know. Bizarre.

Needless to say, I was very surprised. He said, "I was driving near here and my truck started to overheat, so I thought, where can I go to wait for it to cool down? And I said, I know! I'll go see my Chucklebutt!" Yes. That's what he calls me. I don't want to hear a single word. Not a word. So we chatted for a while. He told me he's still not sure if he and his baby's momma are getting married or not, cause "she would need to work some things out first," (meaning "she still drives me crazy, but what are ya gonna do?!?") but mostly it was just meaningless chatter. He told me his phone broke and he got a new one, so he needed my phone number again. That is the part that I've mostly been thinking about. I know he wasn't really coming to see me, he just needed a place to chill for a little while, and my work was convenient. But I had no idea he didn't have my number, and I doubt he's planning on calling me. He can still reach me through instant messenger, myspace, and email. He didn't need to get it, I would have been none the wiser. Why did he get it? Just in case? It just confused me. Before he left, he said, "Now I have your number again, so I can text you and bug you like I used to!" He only did that once by the way. Maybe he's just trying to keep his options open. Maybe he's playing the 'we're friends now' role. Or maybe he was just trying to fill up the hour till his truck cooled down. I dunno.

The fact of the matter is, I've kinda put dating on the back burner again. For a while there I was really boy crazy, trying to find someone to take my mind off of Jared. I was talking to all those guys on myspace, and flirting with guys at the club (or at least trying to with no success), and I was all crazy horny and flirty. And then I realized I didn't really want any of those guys. They just weren't Jared. There wasn't the spark, the whatever it is that you have when it's right. So I thought about it for a while. And (**warning** crazy religious mumbo jumbo coming up) then I prayed about it. I told God that 'I really still wanted Jared, even after all that's happened. So if things aren't going to work out between him and his girl, and could work out between him and me, I'm willing to give them space to figure that out, and I can wait. If things are going to work out between them, I won't accept anyone that isn't as cute, funny, and everything else that Jared is. I will only accept someone as good as or better in every way. So help me to be able to be patient until one of those things happens, and to know when it does and be ready for it.' And then something weird happened. All my boy crazy disappeared. All the horny gone. *poof* I think it's God helping me out. You can think it's my subconscious rearranging things for me if you like. Whatever. Also, only one guy, who was totally unacceptable has written me on myspace since then. Making life much easier. Call it coincidence if you wish. I did all this prayin' before Jared came around, and when he did appear, I didn't really feel any great longings for him or anything, more of a feeling of camaraderie mixed with confusion. Of course, while he was there I dropped two models and pinned three models incorrectly. So I could just be deluding myself about how stable I am towards him. So that's what happened. I almost didn't bring it up, because it's nothing, really.

A couple of days ago, I noticed I am getting wrinkles around my eyes. I found it to be somewhat unsettling. People with wrinkles shouldn't have to date people, let alone try to date a guy in his non-wrinkled prime. I'm giving myself mixed messages I think.