There's something wrong with me

I go through life, living normally, surrounded by people who care about me. Ok, maybe I don't live that normally, but I don't live too abnormally either, so you get my point. I have two parents that are still married to each other and love me. Sometimes I think they love me too much, especially when I'm feeling especially smothered. I have a son who loves me so much he practically cries everytime I talk to him on the phone telling me how much he misses me. I have two awesome brothers who serve double duty as friends that I talk to everyday and who I know will always be there. I have other friends, here and in other places, who I care about a lot, and who I suspect feel the same towards me. I've dated guys, and there are guys that give me appreciative glances in the grocery store and guys writing me on myspace wanting to get to know me better. There's dozens of people at church who seem to really appreciate my presence, and who, apparently, talk about how amazing I am behind my back. (Rumor has it.) Not to brag, but I've even had the odd person say that I've changed their life. I am smart, capable, funny, and attractive.

So why is it that sometimes, on a not so infrequent basis, I am gripped with a loneliness so intense it makes me feel like it will never go away, and just eats at my insides like a rat. I feel it sitting in my home, surrounded by people who love me. I feel it after getting off the phone with a good friend. I feel it at parties. Or after parties. I feel it out dancing when I look around at all the people having fun with each other. I feel it if one day goes by without someone IMing me or messenging me on myspace. My family makes fun of me for checking my email so much, but that's why I do it. I even feel the loneliness in crowds. It's not constant, but it always comes back. Is there something wrong with me? Or does everyone feel this way? When I look at all the smiling faces, are they just covering up the loneliness too? Or do their smiles come from real satisfaction? Lest all my friends think I don't enjoy their company, let me assure you, I do. It's what keeps me going. I'm like a crack fiend, and as soon as you go away, I start jonesing for more.

In college, I was in a couple of plays. Just bit parts, but they were fun. For weeks before the play, you spend so much time preparing, it becomes your life. You have rehearsals everyday, you think about your lines constantly. You spend hours on end with the other people in the play. It's really fun. Everyone has a common cause, and you always have something to talk about. And then the night of the play comes and it's pure adrenaline. Will everything go well? Will you remember your lines? Standing out there, with all eyes on you, doing what you've practiced for is the most amazing feeling in the world. It's really like nothing else. And then it's over. Just like that. No more rehearsals, no more excuse to spend time with those people, no more purpose. No more reason. That is the worst most empty feeling in the world. I kind of feel like that is what life is like. You spend so much time preparing for everything. You go to school, and try to make yourself attractive for people and your potential mate, and it's all promise and preparation. For what? For me there's not even a show to perform. I feel like I went to the dress rehearsal and then got sick and missed the night of the show.

I'm sorry. I'm being maudlin and dumb. And I have a headache. I'm going to bed now.