Things I wish I could do

I'm tired. Tired of everything. My mood continues, and I'm now walking through a haze of grey. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to lay around and read. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy either. The last time I felt this way was when I gave up caffeine. I decided to make a list of things that might make me feel alive again. Here goes.

-A new car: one that I can drive as fast as I want without fear of it falling apart.

-Losing weight: and losing it at a steady enough pace that I feel like I might eventually get somewhere in the general proximity of my target.

-A good lay: I was going to specify and say "in the rain" or "so wild it breaks the furniture and knocks the pictures off the walls," but, let's face it, if I'm getting it, I'll take what I can get.

-Something weird to happen at work: like I could go in tomorrow, and Rene might say, hey guys, lets go to the circus, and you'll get paid for it! That would rock.

-Going to a kick ass rock show: this is only a hypothetical rock show. I know that in reality, the whole experience would annoy me, but it's a nice thought in my head.

-Having a song written about me: you know, it would be so cool to hear my name on the radio. Especially if the song is really cool. Even a song that I could pretend was about me would be nice, but there's just not many songs about Margie out there.

-Going sailing: I've never been, but it looks exhilarating in the movies.

-Going surfing: I've wanted to learn every since Dr Greene went surfing on ER. And Lilo and Stitch cemented the desire.

-Going jet skiing: it's fun, but too expensive for me to rent.

-Going bungee jumping: I know it's old news, but I've never done it.

-Going parachuting: looks awesome. and expensive.

-Going on a trip: Whether to the coast for the weekend, to road side attractions for a week, or Europe for a month, I long to travel. I've always wanted to travel. Every since I was a kid. But I've never been able to, whether due to finances or circumstance. Cursed to be born beautiful, poor and female, there's none who suffer more. (That's from a Porno for Pyro's song. It seemed to fit the situation.)

-Being discovered: Whether it's for acting, modeling, be a rock star, or the lost heir to a throne, I've always had a childish desire that one day, someone would come along and realize that I am spectacular in some way previously unnoticed by everyone else, and it doesn't really matter how. This desire grows more foolish with every passing year, yet still it endures.

-Moving out: Everyday this desire grows. As I drive pass houses, I imaging how I would decorate the outside. When I am at the store, I walk past the dishes and furniture and think how I would decorate the inside of my house. I think how happy and shiny my life would be. How I would only have to clean up after me, except when Ethan comes home, or when I have guests. How I would make my little dinner, just for me, and not have to listen to mom bitch. How I would clean up the little tiny messes that I make every week, and not feel angry because it's not my fault and nobody else cares. How I wouldn't have to talk to anybody if I didn't want to. It may be my little fairy tale, but in my imagination, it would be wonderful.

That's all I can think of for now, but I may think of more later. Now I'm going to practice my tae kwon do moves. It's one of the few things I still care about.