Progress I think

Ethan has been gone since yesterday morning, and I realize some things now. I had been really upset about his impending departure. Way more upset than I realized. All summer long he's been acting like he wasn't going to miss anything here except video games. When we went to the airport, he suddenly changed his mind and said he wasn't going, and got pretty upset. Of course I told him it was too late to change his mind, and I was barely able to hold it together, but I realize now that I had been the most upset because it seemed like Ethan wasn't going to miss me at all. If your child doesn't miss you, you are a bad mother. But he does miss me, and so I am able to let him go in good conscience. I know that sounds contradictory, but it's like, if I'm a bad mother, I'm letting him go live with his father because I wasn't good enough. If I'm a good mother, I'm letting him go live with his father because it's the best thing for him right now. I guess Ethan avoids his emotions just like I do. When he got there, he called me and he was doing much better, although he said he missed me. So now I'm pretty good with things. Always before when he was gone I felt like I needed to frantically have as much fun as possible because time was short, but this time I feel more relaxed.
I also feel pretty relaxed about the Jared thing. He may IM, or he may not. I've let it go. I think that mom was right and I was desperately holding on to him so that I wouldn't be alone. Don't get me wrong, I like him, and I still would like to date him, but I'm thinking that I was just another notch on his belt, and if that's the case I don't need him. If it's not the case, maybe he'll come back to me eventually. I think part of me was just really flattered that such a hot guy wanted me. I mean, he's the best looking guy I've ever dated, and it feels good to think that I can get such a looker. Also, it was nice to feel sexy again, cause for along time all I've felt like is a fat mom. If we do go out again, I don't think it'll be anytime soon. Maybe in a few months or more. You know how some people thing everything is done on a great cosmic plan, and some people think it's all random? I'm in the middle. I think God has a plan for us, and directs us in certain things, but doesn't micromanage, and also everyone has free will. So I've wondered if Jared asking me out was part of the plan, just random, or one of those things that God didn't care whether it happened or not, so it was all up to Jared and if he wanted to ask me out. Is it that Jared is really right for me, but not yet, but we had to come together now to lay down the ground work for later? Is it that there's someone out there for me, and I needed to have my mind re-opened on the idea of dating so I would notice the guy when he comes along, so Jared was a primer or something? Is it just that Jared was bored and I was in his line of fire? Is it just that Jared was trying to get laid and God didn't want me to go out with him at all? Did it even matter to anyone but me in the cosmic scheme? I dunno. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things from my point of view. I'm just a little bit player. I guess I'll know what the point was after it all comes together. I just hope if I was being preped for someone else that he's hot. I've had my standards raised now, and there's no going back! :)
For now, I'm pretty content. I got a perfect score on my writing test. I'll get registered for college this week. I can go out anytime I want to. Life is pretty good. Now on to the things that I've been wanting lately. I think I'm going through an early midlife crises. In June, I suddenly got the desire to pierce the top part of my ear. I haven't done it, but the desire hasn't gone away. In July, out of the blue, I got a rampart burning urge to get a tattoo. I have NEVER wanted a tat, even at my wildest. And the desire doesn't go away. I really don't know what to make of it. This month, my new desire is for a motorcycle. I want a motorcycle so bad I can taste it. If I had money, I would have bought one already. I even looked in the denton record chronicle to see what they run for. The only problems are: I don't know how to drive a motorcycle, I wouldn't know how to learn, I don't know how to work on a motorcycle, I wouldn't even know how to pick one as I know so very little about them, and they are dangerous. I can at least say that I would use less gas with one and that's a bonus. I can just picture me this spring after I've lost all my weight in jeans, boots, and leathers getting off my bike and taking off my helmet. It would be so hot. Grr. Being poor sucks! So this definitely sounds like a midlife crises. I even dated a guy way too young for me! I need a comb-over or something as proof!