Bad weekend

I must say, this weekend has been one of the most emotional I have had in a long time. It goes down like this: Saturday I started withdrawing, as is my penchant when things get hard, and knowing that Ethan is leaving Monday morning, hard times are here indeed. Saturday afternoon, I talked to Jared on instant messenger, and it started out well enough, although he was upset because his car recently broke down. Soon, however, things turned to not so good, when he got upset with me and said that he thinks I have a fear of getting hurt and that as a result our relationship isn't progressing. I told him that while I did have a fear of getting hurt, I had finally let go of the initial things that bothered me and had decided to go with the flow. That's not exactly what I said, but you get the idea. He asked what kind of things were bothering me and I told him that I had really been stressing about the fact that he's so young and other things, and he said that it seems like there are just too many obstacles. I told him that if he would just stop worrying about not having sex and just enjoy this he might have the best relationship he's ever had. His response was, "uh-huh." Finally, after some other stuff that I don't remember he said that maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now because he was already stressed about other things and I agreed. I asked if we could get together later in the evening to talk about it, and he asked if he could get back to me. He never did.
Today (Sunday) I went to church as usual, and I talked to my friends Tina and Brad, who had advice for me on the situation. Brad said to relax, and Tina said that I should just go see him and lay it all out on the line, saying that I want a relationship and I'm not rejecting him by not having sex with him and so on and so forth. Then I went to talk to Brother Kazynski because I want to be released as single adult rep. We talked about that for a long time, and he suggested that maybe for now I could just attend the activities and I told him I hate the activities and going to them was torture for me. During the course of explaining this to him, I started crying. I apologized and told him I was stressed because the guy I'm dating is freaking out on me and my son is moving in the morning, which he didn't know about. We talked about both of these issues a little, and he said he would talk to the bishop about whether I could be released or not. Then I tried to clean up a little and I went to Relief Society. I walk in, trying to keep it together, cause when I start crying about something, it usually opens the flood gates. Then, it turns out the lesson was, "The nobility of Parenthood." Can you fucking believe it? Well that was that, and off I went to the bathroom for a good solid cry. Somebody went and told mom, and she came in and talked to me for a little while, and she told me that she thought that I was getting so attached to and upset about Jared because I was planning on using him as a substitute for my affections with Ethan leaving. That actually makes a lot of sense, damn her. So I cried for the rest of church, and then decided to follow mom's advice and get a blessing of comfort. For any non-Mormons out there, we believe that a person with authority can bless someone by the laying on of hands, like in the Bible. There are different kinds, like if your sick, you want a healing blessing. I wanted a blessing to comfort me, and these usually will give you some advice and tell you how things are coming along somewhat. I know that most of you might think this is crap, but I believe that these blessings are from God, and therefore, really good to listen to really well. So listen I did, and the message I got was: suffer. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. It was all, Christ knows what your going through and greater things will come from all this if you stick it out. Fabulous.
So I go home, and start getting everything ready for Ethan's departure. Of course, I don't get to spend much time with Ethan, cause he's rather spend his precious time playing Psychonauts. So I decide late in the evening to give David a call, and I decide to ask him for boy advice, cause he knows me pretty durn well, and he usually gives me pretty good advice in that area, believe it or not. So I told him all about my boy troubles, including some of the things Jared has said and done and the things I've said and done, and he did have something useful to say (among all the hot air that came with it. :) ) He said, "I don't have a problem with you dating a 21 year old. And I don't have a problem with you dating a non-member. And I don't know this guy at all, but some of the things you say that he has said are red flags to me, as a guy that used to be a lot like him. It sounds like he's a major player. It sounds like he's gotten tired of shooting at the can five feet away on the fence post because it's not fun anymore, and he decided to shoot at something that was more of a challenge." That made a lot of sense to me. He pointed out some specific things that Jared has said that I didn't even think about, being a girl and all. I told Joey about this, and he said that it may be true, but he doesn't think that it was conscious on Jared's part. That it's just automatic because that's the kind of life he leads. That makes a lot of sense, too. And I think it may be true. I really don't think Jared started with a malicious plan or anything (at least not anymore), but it seems like it has the same results. So now I think I'm content to see how it plays out. If he contacts me again, which I really don't know if he will or not, I think I will do as Tina said, and just lay it all out. Explain who I am, and what I'm about and see what his reaction is.
Of course, by this time it was nearing Ethan's bed time, and I started getting emotional again. Ethan started hugging me and hugging me, and saying he didn't want to go. I climbed in bed with him and we both just lay there and cried for a while. I told him that he was going to have fun stuff, and finally I had to leave because he needed to go to sleep and he wasn't doing it with me there. I've been crying sporadically every since. Life is hard. Tomorrow morning is going to be hell I think. *sigh* Jared is online right now and hasn't said anything to me. Interesting.