We went back to the club. William (that is what I've named Hot Asian Guy in my head) was there. Carol and I went to the bar and when I looked at her to ask her what she was getting I noticed he was right next to her. He was looking at me. I saw him. I saw him see me. Then he turned and walked away. And he left. Right then. Apparently, he didn't want any more of my nonsense. I don't think our relationship is going so well.
But this isn't really want I wanted to talk about. I've been thinking again, ya know, like ya do, and I was thinking of a girl I used to know named Sarah. Sarah came into my life in 1995. She was home from BYU for the summer. She's a red-head covered in freckles. We hit it off right away, I must have a thing for red-heads. ;) You know, I almost always have just one red-headed friend. Weird. Anyhoo. Sarah was one of those people that's always in a good mood and looking on the bright side. We had tons of fun together, cause everything was fun to her. One day at church a card fell out of her scriptures. On the back was written, "I like who I am when I'm with you." I asked about it, and she said that was her favorite quote. I realized that's why I liked her. I liked who I was when I was with her. I became happy and positive around her. I wanted to live up to her. I've always been vile and mean. I cut people down. I spew venomous bile on the world. I'm the person people like to be around because I'm including them in my hating OTHER people. I was especially bad before I had Ethan, but even after, I'm not that great. But when I had that realization, I also realized that I didn't want to be the hateful, mean person anymore. I wanted to be the person that people liked to be around because they like who they are when they're with me. I worked on that for a while, and then my life fell apart and I kinda got tangled up in all my mess. But I've been thinking about it again. But the problem is, every once in a while, I try being the nice person. And nobody likes nice Margie. Nice Margie is boring. People only seem to want to talk to me when I'm being mean sarcastic Margie. Maybe I need to find a way to be mean and sarcastic while not actually causing anyone harm. I have no fucking idea how one would go about doing that. I wonder if it's even possible to actually change your basic personality that drastically without a brain wipe. And is it even possible? I think it very well might be. I dunno. I'll have to mull some more.
10 comments:
I think that in the past you have tried to be nice Margie, but you never worked out being FUN Margie. You think that nice Margie was boring because when you are being nice all the time, you also become sedate. You already have a full schema of fill-in activities to do while being mean and bitter (mostly heckling and making funny/rude comments), but you don't have any ACTIVE schema for being nice. Work on being fun, and the rest should fall into place. Just a thought...I already like you. :)
Hmmmm. You may have point. Now how should I be *fun*!
Dude, my wisdom has been dispensed...I don't have ALL of the answers. :)
I'm with Jules here. I think a refocusing of your energies is a good way to think about it. Don't hack off a big section of your personality and become a two-dimensional person, find more positive ways to express the thoughts that you do have. Again, just a thought.
You know, maybe part of the problem is that I'm never really sure where "mean" starts. People are always telling me I'm mean when I'm really trying to not be mean. But you've all given me food for thought.
Huh. Way to go Josh and Jules. Good input this time. This post is kind of inane. Damn it. Damn it all. Nice name. Willaim. Good times. Can we call him Will, or Willie? Familiarity breeds nicknames.
Wow, Dave, you're either being really freaking rude or you have no idea what inane means.
in·ane adj. in·an·er, in·an·est
One that lacks sense or substance: interrupting with inane comments; angry with my inane roommate.
[Latin innis, empty, lacking sense.]
To be honest I'm pretty offended by that. I've written inane posts before and I think this one has substance.
Unless of course you were meaning that your comment was inane rather than my post. In which case, no. He's William. No short version unless your sleeping with him, and then you can call him Will.
To clarify? I was indeed talking about *my* comment and it's inane quality, it had nothing to do with your post. I have no plans to sleep with William.
Ok then. I didn't think that your comment was inane. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you should reconsider about William. You two might make a cute couple. :)
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