I almost DIED! and What dreams may come

Today I went to the Single Adult Conference, which was kinda lame, but whatta ya gonna do, right? Well, they fed us all three meals, and knowing my allergy to soy, I was trying to be careful to only eat things that wouldn't have soy in them, causing me to pass up some really yummy looking bagels at breakfast. So at lunch, I had a sandwich, which I was pretty sure about, some Lay's, which don't use Soy oil for frying, and some carrots with ranch dip. No problemo. Except that soon after I finished eating, my throat started to constrict. The dip, dammit! I usually make my own, so I forgot that most store bought dressings and dips have soy. I wasn't worried at first, it's usually not so bad, but this dip must have been whipped soy with a dallop of soy thrown in, because it kept getting worse. Soon I was coughing little coughs as I couldn't get enough carbon dioxide out. I started asking around to see if anyone had any benedryl, which of course they didn't. There were supposed to be two classes after lunch which I had no interest in, followed by a two hour break then dinner, then a speech, then a dance. So I had been kicking around the idea of cutting out for the afternoon and coming back in time for dinner, and this seemed to work nicely into my plan. I'd just go home and take some benedryl, and that could be my excuse for leaving! yay! So I leave, but my breathing was getting worse, and soon I realized that I was driving in heavy traffic and had run into the curb three times and driven over the little bumpy things on the other side who knows how many times. I decided to stop at Racetrak. Although they sell every painkiller and energy booster known to mankind, they do not sell benedryl. So I went on. The Walmart parking lot was so full it was about to explode. I thought about it, and decided I didn't want to stop at every store on the way home, so I'd just go home and take some when I got there. It seemed to make sense at the time. By the time I got home, I was gasping in short little breaths, my lips were tingling from lack of oxygen, I had lost manually dexterity, and I was having mild tunnel vision. I went in and took two benedryl, and soon I could breathe again! Oh glorious air! We only miss you when you're gone! Mom put some of the benedryl in a little bottle to keep in my purse. Dad was mad at me, he said next time to call him and he'll bring me some. Then I slept for an hour and a half. And then, shakily, sleepily, and with a migraine, I went back to the conference. What a trooper. It was really scary, I've never had a reaction that bad before. I wonder if I need to go get an epi-pen from the doctor or something. When I first started having the reaction, I told the people at my table, and they asked if they could get me anything. I told them, no, no, it's never that bad. Just if I fall over, do a tracheotomy on me, ha ha ha. I didn't realize that I might actually need one sometime. That would suck. So, yeah. That was fun. Or something.

Now then. I had dated a few people before college and at the beginning of college, but of course everyone knows about my first boyfriend, Sanjay. Well, when Sanjay and I broke up, I started dreaming about him. Then when I would date other guys and we would break up, I would dream about Sanjay again. When David and I would break up, all those zillion times, I would always start dreaming about Sanjay again. Not anything dirty, just he would be there, sometimes coming to get me back, sometimes as my boyfriend, sometimes just in the background. Then after Ethan was born, I dated another guy and I thought I would dream about David. But guess what. I dreamed about Sanjay. So many years have past without anybody in my life, and completely Sanjay-dream free. Well, I haven't seen nor heard from Jared in a few weeks, and guess who has started making nightly appearances in my dreams. If you said Sanjay, you're WRONG. Jared has been. Almost every night. Usually just there somewhere, not even as a main part of the dream. The other night was the worst; in my dream I made a friend, and she had dated Jared. She wanted to go to this restraunt to eat, so we went, but it turned out she wanted to go there because she knew that Jared was always there at that time, and she made a huge scene. I had to talk her down, as it were. And Jared was there the whole time, studiously avoiding eye contact. Last night I didn't dream about him, so that was nice. Instead I dreamt that Spike (yes, from Buffy), Orlando Bloom (as a vampire), and I (I presume as a vampire, but it wasn't stated) were on a search for some item. We split into two groups, me and Spike, and Orlando. Spike and I found it, and we proceeded to have extremely graphic sex. Which was really really weird on several levels. One being, I usually don't have dreams like that. They are usually artistic or fade to black sort of affairs. Two being, why the hell would I choose Spike over Orlando! That's just crazy talk. Even in my sleep I was disturbed by how graphic it was. I remember being shocked on a non-dream level and thinking, "Well, that's not really necessary," while it was going on. Bizarro. Orlando was pretty upset and jealous, by the way. So anyway, back to the Jared situation. The thing is, I've realized that I tend to live in the past a lot, and so I've been making a really concerted effort to live in the now and in the future, and part of that involves letting go of things and people like Jared. So I've worked hard on noticing other guys, trying not to think about him, being open minded to the possibilities, that sort of thing. And then he starts popping up in my dreams. I feel like he's haunting me. And the funny thing is, I'm sure he hasn't thought about me in weeks, even in passing. How do you let go if your subconscious won't let you?