Today has been a big, fat, feeling sorry for myself fest. Despite the fact that I've been doing my positive affirmations pretty much non-stop today. I'll explain the situation, but everybody needs to understand that some *mystical* religiosity will be held herein. Because I am religious, any important things I do, I consult God about. Sorry if you can't handle it, but that's how it is. I don't normally talk about that stuff so that I don't make people uncomfortable or seem like a crackpot, but this here's my blog, so I'm going with the whole story.
Everybody knows that last week Jared asked me out again, and I was all happy and I said that I knew he's mine now, basically. The reason I felt that way is because I felt really good about it, so I prayed about it, and when I asked if Jared could be mine, I had a "burning in my bosom," which is straight out of the scriptures for God answering yes. So I was happy, and willing to wait and be patient. Then Wednesday, I got out of class 3 hours early, and everybody I called wasn't available for me to hang out with, so I sent him a text, which he didn't bother to answer. I'm talking about Jared, not God. I would only text God in an emergency. :) Then Friday I went online, and he was online, and he stayed online for a little while and then went offline. You'd think he would've said something about my text, or said anything because I had actually teased him about never being online. But he didn't. So, I prayed about him again, and this time I kept forgetting what I was praying about midsentence over and over, which is straight out of the scriptures meaning the answer is no. God can't make Jared love me, but obviously Jared felt something for me Saturday morning, or God wouldn't have told me I could have him. So what happened between Saturday and Friday? Maybe Jared realized I wouldn't sleep with him. Maybe a friend talked some sense into him. Maybe he met a cute girl, I have no idea. But it sucks. At first I was angry, then sad, but I was having PMS, so I told myself it was just that. Now the PMS is gone, and I'm even sadder. I would think the fact that a really great guy asked me out on Saturday would make me feel better, but I don't. Maybe if I go out with this guy, it'll flip a switch and I'll be all overboard about him, but I doubt it. Because the fact of the matter is, I am actually attracted to a very small number of guys. Of those guys, most of them I stop liking when I get to know them better. I liked Jared from the second day I knew him. The first day I didn't really pay attention to him because he was just another applicant. But he started the next Monday, and I walked in and introduced myself and I don't remember what he said, but it was something extremely confidant and not expected. My antennae popped up, and I thought, "Hmmm, this one is interesting!" Then, of course, I found out how young he was, and how extremely different our purposes were and I decided I could never date him, but I contented myself on spending everyday with him. When he got fired, I actually cried! Can you believe it? I couldn't bare the thought of not seeing him again. I prayed and prayed the whole time he was working there and after he got fired for God to take those feelings away from me if I wasn't meant to date him, or send someone else so I could forget him, but it didn't happen, and, although the intensity lessened as the months went by, the feelings NEVER went away. We didn't really have much contact for months, and then when we started chatting, and he asked me out, I couldn't believe it! Could this mean a relationship with him was condoned? Now I feel like I'm left with nothing. I have a hole in my chest where I feel empty and it's just surrounded by a nice cushion of pain. I've never felt that way about Mickey (the guy who asked me out), or any other guy except for one, as a matter of fact, even though I've dated many and slept with some. And I still think about that one, even though it's been 11 years since I've seen him. Was all this just so that I could add another to my bittersweet memories pile? Not to be a little girl, but why me? I was thinking back today, to when I got my patriarchal blessing. I think I might have mentioned this before, but when I got it, the patriarch cried and hugged me and told me it was an honor to have met me. I thought that must be how he reacts everytime, but my mom said she'd come with several friends and and also for herself and dad and she'd never seen him act that way. I'd been told that the patriarch doesn't tell you everything he sees, and sometimes I wonder what all he saw. Did he see someone destined for greatness? Or did he see what a craphole I would make of my life? Obviously he saw something good, at least at some point, or he wouldn't have said the honor thing, but what if he saw a life I threw away by making the decisions that I've made? I dunno. I have no idea what's going to happen. all I know is that I'm so tired. I don't think I can handle much more of all this. Something good better happen fast is all I'm saying.
Now back to positive thinking. My life is going really well right now. This guy that I know from church that I haven't seen for a while emailed me, and we emailed back a forth a few times and now we're planning on going to do something together! He's got great plans, too, the kind of dates I always wished guys would plan, but they never do. Work's going well, it seems to be picking up a little. Church was good yesterday, cause I got to sit with Kiera again! Yay! We went to the Becker's for dinner, and we had a great meal, which was safe for me to eat, because Sister Becker is ALSO allergic to soy. Serenity is coming out on Friday, and I'm so excited, it's going to kick ass! I finally figured out what I'm going to do for my Government paper: I'm going to do a study of Rick Perry's time in office and analyze whether or not he's been a "good" governor. I'm looking forward to getting my rough draft back in grammar & comp on Wednesday and seeing how awesome the teacher says I am! All in all, things couldn't be better.
8 comments:
i'm having a hard time thinking of something to say about the Jared situation. i certainly don't want to sound forced. I hope it works out in your favor. I really am not the person to be dispensing relationship advice. If you need a little ego boost however, i'm your man. I browse blogger for any interesting blogs when i get bored. If i see a blog with posts bigger three to four hundred words i skip it. yours is the only big blog i read word for word, more than once. not sure what that means, but there you have it. ; )
Hmm...maybe you just needed that burst of confidence Saturday and that's what the burning was about. You know, God works in mysterious ways and all that...and we often misinterpret what He says. I think it'll be okay. I think you're a very strong person and that Jared is weak and that you can do better. I know that'll probably make you mad 'cuz you'll say something like well he's the only one asking so apparently I can't, but I think that you just haven't met the right one yet. Anyway, I'll stop giving advice 'cuz I've found people generally don't appreciate it since my life is not their's and I don't know what I'm talking about. I think that's awesome about your blessing, you've never told me that before. Maybe Ethan will be the prophet someday or something. We should get to sit together in church more often now that I got released again so that'll be good. I think you'll have fun with Mickey and who knows, maybe something will come of it, maybe not, but you'll get to go to cool places in the mean time? Anyway, it'll all be good, don't worry. :)
Little Josh Devil: Love is misery. You should never love anything because it will just go away or be used against you and thus soiled.
Little Josh Angel: Love is a wonderful thing that inspires men to greatness. But, you have to love yourself before you can truely love anyone else. It shouldn't matter what Jared or Mickey think of you, love yourself, and then if they do too, it's a nice bonus.
Little Josh Space Monkey: Ooh ooooh ah, ooh aha ooh oh ook! MOOOOAHOOHAAHOOK. (Sit, have a banana, and think of ways to use your vast mind powers to TAKE what you want! Muahahahahha.)
Little Josh Devil: Damn. I should have thought of that...can I change my answer?
Cainnum: Thanks! It's nice to know I am increasing the literacy of the masses. :)
Kiera: I like it when my friends give me advice, I don't like it when strangers give me advice, so you are welcome to advise me anytime! And in the words of Ty from Clueless, "If I'm too good for him, why aren't I with him?" lol. I agree that he's not optimum right now, but he has potential, and who knows why the heart chooses who it does? Don't worry, I'll give Mickey and others a chance, but I still mourn for what I want. I'm a big girl, I learned long ago that a broken heart won't kill you and love conquers crap. Maybe Ethan will be prophet! He's in Utah getting the connections right now! lol. I doubt it, but we'll see.
Josh: I think I agree with the space monkey, too! Mmmm. Mind powers, huh? We'll have to see what I can use those for. Assemble the committee for the study of Margie's mind powers and their potential uses and prepare a report.
We'll have to wait four to six weeks for the electrodes and mind probes to come in from the mail order company (Mad Scientist Inc.)
Dammit! Couldn't we pay extra to have them overnighted?!?
Of course we can. I'm not unreasonable. We can use the government grant money to do that. It will be here four to six months after you finish the paperwork...I'll go ahead and send that to you as well. :)
Well, Hell. Damn beauracracy!
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