Friday, April 15, 2005
I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo. What the Hell am I doing here?
Well, it finally happened. Today I got emotional about Ethan leaving. Just a little. But then he acted like an ass and it all went away. I've been painting the bathroom, and it's making my back hurt. I've also been very happy because my dad replaced the serpentine belt on yon car and the gas mileage got WAY better. Which is very good for the pocket book these days and all. So I've been thinking about something. You know how we all know people that we can talk to for a few minutes, but we really don't like them very much and would generally just prefer to avoid? Maybe they're a little annoying or weird or desperate or clingey or something. So we humor this person by talking to them politely for a few minutes and then try to disengage politely by looking away or edging away. And then the next time we see them we act really busy or preoccupied so they don't talk to us. Well over the course of my lifetime, I've felt like I'm that person on more than one occasion, but lately it's been intensifying. Josh says it's because I'm self centered and paranoid, but I don't think that's it. I mean, I know there's going to be a certain percentage of the population that thinks I'm weird. Cause I'm the first to admit I'm not exactly mainstream or anything. Of course that percentage of the population does accounting for a living and wears khakis on their day off, so I really don't think I'd mesh well with them anyway. And there's bound to be some people that find me annoying, I personally think I'm extremely difficult and intolerable, but I generally try not to let that come across to the public at large. So what is the situation here, anyway? My theory is that I'm getting out there more, and so I'm seeing more of the reaction and in actuality it was like this all along but I was avoiding talking to people so I didn't notice so much. Now, whenever I ask friends about things like this I find I tend to be inundated with responses like, "I think you're great," and, "You're just so Margie!" Which isn't very light shedding, so I don't ask friends anymore, but I will continue to watch and see if it's happening. In my writing analysis book it says that only five percent of the population writes like I do. And most of my good friends write that way. Maybe there's a correlation. Maybe I'm only compatible with the five percent. And then in that five percent there's bound to be natural variation such as different interests and so on. hmmm. This bears further study.
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3 comments:
Dude. I'm your friend, and when you asked me, *I* said you were self-centered and paranoid. Great never entered the sentence. :) Love you! But, I do think that you are preoccupied with intrinsic qualities; whenever anything happens you always want to tally it into some great mental database in which you keep track of everything hoping that one day the information will become so vast it will achieve sentience. Okay...maybe not that last part. But just because you notice something, doesn't mean that it has always been that way with everyone else. And just because some people (David) are intimidate by you and seek help during IM conversations, it doesn't mean that YOU are intrinsically flawed. I think that most people like to avoid confrontation, and you like to be blunt (in a healthy "This is what I'm thinking" expressive sort of way) and tend to emotionally manipulate (in a not-so-healthy "This is what I am FEELING...you should feel shame" sort of way). Some would interpret the latter as "confrontation". But it's totally cool, if they can't handle it, let them cower in fear...it'll make them better people in the long run. :) Okay, I don't know if it's light, but I've been shedding something all over this page...I should stop. Just remember that you are a smart girl...so you're in the upper five percent, they might think that you're weird cause they're idiots (Mario..hee hee).
You know, I almost said, "My family is always more than happy to tell me exactly what's wrong with me, but I didn't. :) I really don't think I'm confrontational in superficial day to day meetings at church and tae kwon do and Ethan's school. Maybe I'm just utlra-confrontational and I don't even realize what is or isn't confrontational. I just feel like when I go to those places all the time, and I try to make small talk witht the people I see all the time, and I repeatedly get the same reaction from almost all of them, that's a tiny clue. It's not like this has happened twice in the course of my lifetime and I'm jumping to irrational conclusions. hmmm.
hmmm
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