My soap opera weekend

I have been hesitant to write this post, but I finally decided to go for it. You see, this weekend, Jared's girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/baby's momma contacted me. It seems he left his myspace profile open and she saw the emails that he and I exchanged a while back. He had told her that there wasn't anything going on between him and me, so she wrote me wanting to know exactly what happened. She was not confrontational or mean or bitchy, she just wanted to truth, so I gave it to her because I think she deserves it. I also referred her to this very blog with the request that she not let Jared see it. She and I exchanged many emails and I left feeling like Jared played me way worse than I ever thought possible. You see, all along I thought that he started dating her when he was dating me. It turns out he was dating her before, during, and after dating me. I was the other woman all along and I had no idea. Of course, she says he also saw (and screwed) lots of other girls, but he mostly saw me and one other girl (besides her of course.) Then she wrote me and told me that though she erased the URL from the history, he found it in the cookies and read my blog. The only reason I hadn't wanted him to see it is because I always tried to play it cool around him, and if he read all of this, he would see how much he affected me. Oh well. Too late now. So I had been planning on slamming Jared on here after all the things she told me.

Then Jared IM'd me. He always seem so rational and so logical. He always says what I want to hear. He gets just the right amount of upset at the right time. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I couldn't for some reason. He told me that he had had feelings for me that were much stronger than he expected and he went back and forth because he was really torn. He said he favored her because I'm devoutly Mormon and he can't live that kind of lifestyle. He said he had been thinking about getting serious with me but I started playing up the fact that I had other guys in my life (which was extreme hyperbole on my part) and he pulled back. He said he's not trying to get back with me, but he values my opinions and the advice that I give him. He said I'm a good person and he wants to keep me in his life, but if I want him to leave me alone he'll abide by that. Damn him. He makes it all sound do reasonable. If he would just be a little mean or something I would feel perfectly justified in telling him to sod off, but I feel selfish for wanting that. I feel like I really could be a good influence on him and it's my moral duty to not write him off. *sigh* Where did this strong sense of duty come from? I don't like it one bit.

I also had a dream last night. It was very vivid and real and I remembered it really well when I woke up. I was at the movies by myself and I ran into Jared. He wanted to go see the same movie as me and wanted to come with me. I didn't want him to come with me, but he talked me into it. So we got in line, but when it came time to see the movie, I couldn't find the right theatre. The theatres were very fancy. They were a lot like the rooms of the Salt Lake Temple as a matter of fact. While I was looking for my movie, I got separated from Jared and couldn't find him OR my movie. When I awoke, my immediate thought was that it was trying to tell me that Jared would never be able to go with me to the temple. Well, duh, thanks Captain Obvious. But then I thought that maybe it means that if I let Jared talk me into hanging around, I won't be able to get where I want to go. *shrug* I dunno.

So I didn't know what to write here because either Jared or Christina or both might be reading it. But then I realized it's my damn blog and I have nothing to hide, so I can write what the hell I want. So it's been an interesting weekend. I appreciate Lawrence so much more now because I know I will never have to put up with even the question of impropriety from him. I know he loves me and me alone. And I love him. I'm so glad this story has a happy ending.